What if I told you the path to better sex involves unlearning almost everything you’ve ever been taught about sex and sexuality? That GREAT sex doesn’t necessarily involve learning a new technique, position, renting a hotel room, or trying a new toy (though those can ALL be fun too!) BUT rather involves a reframing and re-learning of almost everything we’ve been taught to believe about sex in the media, movies, literature, from teachers to parents, to peers, to porn.
Unfortunately, and yet simultaneously fortunately, as unlearning provides a path to expansion, embodiment, and yes, better sex, the path to presence and intense connection with another person is an art, a practice, and a journey, which often involves both self and relational discovery and exploration.
Now, I’m sure you’re curious about some of the MYTHS you’ve been told about sex and sexuality. Well, I’m here today to debunk 3 myths you’ve been told about sex that may lead to some unlearning and even more importantly, opportunities for self-reflection and perhaps even greater pleasure!
Myth #1: Great Sex Is Always Spontaneous
Generally, this isn’t always the case. Sure, there are many people who experience spontaneous desire, desire first then arousal. However, many people, especially women, experience responsive desire, arousal first, then desire. This doesn’t necessarily mean you have to plan a date night and set out rose petals and candles, though this could certainly be enjoyed by many. The idea is to be intentional about setting a time, and creating the right context and conditions to meet the needs of all individuals to create pleasurable and comfortable conditions. Though you can’t guarantee an optimal sexual experience, when sex is approached with intentionality, those experiences may be more likely to occur. Sometimes the best “spontaneous” sex takes hours of anticipation, preparation, or planning.
Myth #2: Great Sex Ends in Orgasm for All People
It turns out, there’s a lot more to sex for most people than simply orgasm and penetration. What if orgasm isn’t your motivation? Oftentimes, chasing an orgasm can derail connection or presence in the moment. In fact, many people cite openness, embodiment, and overall merging or connection with their lover(s) as ingredients for great sex. Focus on how you want to feel and see what opportunities arise when you become less goal-oriented, and more pleasure or sensation-oriented. Exploring energetic exchange, synchronous breathing, sensual massage, or practicing experiencing deep presence, embodiment, and complete surrender with other lover(s) can bring great pleasure, perhaps beyond that of an orgasm. AND, if you read last week’s article, orgasm denial can be pretty fun in building arousal too! If you missed it, read it here!
Myth #3: Great Sex Only Happens at the Beginning of a Relationship
No doubt, NRE, or New Relationship Energy, that intoxicating blend of brain chemicals like dopamine, oxytocin, and serotonin that make us go CRAZY for our new lovers is hard to maintain, generally around the 2-year mark. It’s common for the passion and sex to wane after the NRE fades, BUT, I’m here to remind you that great sex takes EFFORT. So, maintaining the connection with your lover(s) will depend on the effort you put forth to nurture your sexual life. Not only is this about intentionality, but it’s also about recognizing that sex and sexuality are fluid. Our needs, desires, and sexual fantasies or interests can and will change over time, and that is the beauty of our journey. Having built a foundation of trust and feelings of safety with your partner(s) will help to create a haven for your evolution, transformation, and changes throughout your life. We can look forward to the changes in our sexual lives with curiosity and excitement, rather than worry, dread, or comparison. Your sexual journey is yours to claim and define on your own terms.
Ok, I know that might be a lot, but I’m doing my own unlearning too! In fact, a lot of these ideas were inspired by Peggy J. Kleinbautz’s and Dana Menards “Magnificent Sex! Lessons from Extraordinary Lovers,” last month’s read for LAST’s Bookclub with Elle Hawkins LCSW! If you haven’t done so yet, order the book NOW (you won’t be disappointed)!
Jamie Azar
Author
Jamie Azar is former graduate of the Pleasure Psychology and Sexology Certification program, a sex, relationship, and intimacy coach, educator, writer, and mindfulness practitioner based in South Carolina. She offers 1-1 coaching with singles, couples, throuples + to co-create a safe, sex-positive, transformative, liberating, and empowering space that fosters personal and relational growth. She specializes in dismantling limiting beliefs, deconstructing, and destigmatizing harmful narrative constructs, to help clients reframe and redefine their understandings of selfhood, sex, sexuality, and relationships. To work with Jamie go here!