By Jamie Azar Certified Sex, Relationship, and Intimacy Coach

Too many people are living life feeling “broken” because they aren’t interested in sex, they don’t
want to have sex, or they feel guilty that they don’t really enjoy the sex they’re having. A lot of
the time, these feelings are internalized from desire imperatives; social and cultural scripts that
dictate mandates around how people should experience desire when they first meet someone,
at the beginning of a relationship, and throughout decades of partnership.
I’m here to get curious about the root of the problem, and share a simple shift in mindset which
could help people reconsider what’s truly important, if you ask me, when it comes to having
great sex.
What is desire? Desire is a state of wanting, yearning, longing. It can refer to physical,
emotional, or intellectual longing or a mental want, perhaps for a person, an experience, or even
your favorite food. But what happens to our brain when we are in a state of wanting? The brain
releases dopamine in the core regions of the brain’s reward system. Importantly, dopamine
doesn't equal pleasure—it’s more about motivation and anticipation. It fuels the drive to get what
you desire, not necessarily the enjoyment of it.
Not only can the preoccupation with desire hijack our enjoyment of an experience, it can also
cause frustration when we don’t get what we want, especially when our brains are drunk on
those neuro-cocktails and there’s an impulse to fill the need quickly. The state of anticipation is
a form of seeking—it can heighten the intensity of certain experiences, but at its core, it’s goal-
oriented and future-focused. When we become hyper focused on desire—or its absence—it can
lead to a loss of self and create immense pressure, especially in a culture shaped by
compulsory sexuality: the belief that everyone should want or be having sex. But that simply
isn’t true.
So, what’s the answer to dismantling desire imperatives that don’t really serve us?
It’s not desire.
It’s not arousal.
It’s pleasure.
What if we centered pleasure instead of hyperfocusing on desire?
I’m a pleasure activist. Most of my articles relate to the art of living a pleasure-centric life;
savoring all of the non-sexual and sexual acts in life that feel good. Why is it beneficial to center
pleasure instead of desire in our sexual frameworks? Pleasure and desire activate different,
though overlapping, systems in the brain. While desire (wanting) is mostly driven by dopamine,
pleasure (liking) involves a different set of chemicals and brain regions.

● Desire = motivation and craving, driven by dopamine.
● Pleasure = enjoyment and satisfaction, involving opioids and serotonin.

This difference is you can want something intensely but not necessarily enjoy it once you have
it.
Luckily, once we recognize we have agency, autonomy, and responsibility in honoring our own
pleasure, we can start focusing on the tools we have to become more attuned to it.
Your sensuality is a gateway to pleasure.
Cultivating your sensuality is awakening to your 5 senses. Being attuned to our senses can help
us become more embodied, and experience life from “bottom up than from the top down.” Did
you know that people who are more sensual outside of the bedroom report greater levels of
sexual satisfaction? Tapping into sensuality, presence, and pleasure can be the antidotes to the
self limiting narratives, performance anxiety, and overall sexual dissatisfaction people
experience when we preoccupy ourselves with desire, when what really matters is pleasure.
Is everyone consenting and glad to be there? What are the experiences that genuinely feel
good to you? This requires self-awareness, a deep connection with your body and erotic
imagination, as well as a sense of curiosity and openness to explore new experiences. Desire
then, in turn can emerge in response to organic curiosity, playfulness, and experiential intimacy
as opposed to force, pressure, imperatives, and expectations.
You aren’t broken. It’s okay if you don’t want sex, or think about sex,or have an interest in sex.
And, it becomes frustrating for individuals when they genuinely want to have and enjoy the sex
they’re having, yet there are barriers and blockages to their pleasure.
Here are some questions to ask yourself if you would like to explore your relationship to
pleasure.
Remember, pleasure can be anything that feels good to you, any sexual or non-sexual act..A
feeling of enjoyment, satisfaction, or delight that arises from the fulfillment of a desire, a sensory
experience, or emotional gratification.
1. What does pleasure feel like in my body?
2. What contexts or conditions help me to create this feeling for myself? With my
partner(s)?
3. How can I center more pleasure in my daily life? In my relationship(s)?
4. What would my sex life look like if I focused more on pleasure than desire? What might
look the same? What would look different?
5. What’s one thing I can do this week to prioritize a feeling of enjoyment, satisfaction, or
delight? How will I savor this time for myself?

Cultivating a pleasure-centric life is an ongoing practice—one that invites us to slow down,
savor the present, and find enjoyment beyond outcomes. When we shift our focus from goals to
sensations, from yearning to presence, from being spectators to our sex lives to active
participants and co-creators of our pleasure, we can unlock greater sexual satisfaction,
connection, and erotic empowerment.
Want to work with a sex coach or sex therapist to jumpstart your journey towards sexual
liberation and empowerment?

Jamie Azar is former graduate of the Pleasure Psychology and Sexology Certification program, a sex, relationship, and intimacy coach, educator, writer, and mindfulness practitioner based in South Carolina. She offers 1-1 coaching with singles, couples, throuples + to co-create a safe, sex-positive, transformative, liberating, and empowering space that fosters personal and relational growth. She specializes in dismantling limiting beliefs, deconstructing, and destigmatizing harmful narrative constructs, to help clients reframe and redefine their understandings of selfhood, sex, sexuality, and relationships. To work with Jamie go here!