Are You Following A Linear Model of Sex?

How to Have the Sex You Want on Your Own Terms

by Jamie Azar, Certified Sex Coach

Sex doesn’t have to be a linear experience, though when it comes to sex, society has primarily taught us that it is. We are expected to escalate activities until we reach “the ultimate goal”- penetrative sex. Yet this linear model can be extremely limiting for some people, it can create pressure, and it can leave a whole lot of people feeling uninspired and unenthusiastic about sex. 

Believe it or not, you have the power to define your own definition and models of sex, outside of the linear models. In fact, a circular model exists, which may serve as a helpful reframe to the more traditionally held linear model, or even as a launching off point for your own customized models of sex.

What is the linear model of sex? Well, it might be somewhat self explanatory, but it is generally the predictable sequence we were taught leads to- “sex.” It might include an initial flirtatious look or suggestive touch, followed by holding hands, hugging, kissing, touching with clothes on, taking clothes off, naked touching, oral sex, penetrative sex, the big O- and then——sleepy time? As you can see, this model usually focuses on an endpoint, something to achieve or “get to” per se. We miss out on pleasure because we often think about what’s SUPPOSED to be happening in the moment instead of enjoying what  IS happening in the moment.

For some, this linear model may be the prototype of magnificent sex, and for you I celebrate you and honor you and encourage you to do it all! Everyone deserves to define sex in their own way and enjoy the sex they are or aren’t having. However, I also encourage you to break through models of sex that don’t serve you, to have the courage to step outside of these confines, and embrace instead ones that defy predictability, expectation, cultural and social scripts, and even automatic patterns of behavior that may be ones we follow blindly rather than choosing to enact creatively and unconventionally on our own terms.

The circular model of sex on the other hand, focuses more on non-linear, exploratory, play based and pleasure based experiences over predictability, performance, and pressure. Unlike the linear model, there isn’t a set endpoint. It encourages experiences, dynamism, variability, creativity, permission to take breaks, adjust, and accommodate each other’s needs mindfully throughout sexual experiences. 

As you can see, there is variety, choice, and freedom to navigate your sexual experiences in novel ways. What would it look like to infuse your sexual model with creativity, sensation, myth, play, imagination, and freedom?. How can we  give ourselves permission to love our unique sexual quirks,  tendencies, preferences, kinks, and fetishes, in ways that feel authentic to us so we can experience true pleasure and satisfaction? What will it take to uproot shame and guilt and look at it with gentle compassion, to choose to release ourselves from binding chains that keep us from our true expression.

If you don’t like what you’re doing, if you don’t like how sex makes you feel. you have the freedom to change how you experience it- how you feel during it. And, most of these shifts hinge on the art of…..

Communication.

Part of leaning into your pleasure is learning how to talk about your pleasure. Share and show how you want to be touched, how you don’t want to be touched, the boundaries around your body, time, space, values, environment, mind- you do have a unique erotic identity if you take the time to nurture it.

Take responsibility for your pleasure and take note of when you feel pleasure in your body. Perhaps it is felt in a fleeting moment when you’re listening to one of your favorite songs in the car, or when a certain smell brings a pleasurable memory to mind, or when you bond over shared connection or enjoyment with another being, or shared laughter or a smile with a stranger. Maybe you notice your body’s pleasure when you feel a cool breeze while taking a walk in the woods, or when you take that first sip of coffee or tea in the morning. 

Your sexuality is poetry, and I give you permission to add as much rhythm, color, and rhyme to your verse. It doesn’t have to follow a certain form- your poem doesn’t have to have a certain number of lines. What makes poetry beautiful is in the breaking of form, rules, standards, and conventions.

Are you looking to break out of the standard molds of sex? Here are 3 things you can do to create a more circular experience the next time you decide to have sex or be intimate with your partner or spouse:

1. Schedule time for touch: Human touch is a huge part of how we interact with others. We shake our co-workers’ hands, hug our loved ones, and high-five our friends. We bond through physical touch. When you engage in pleasant touch, like a hug, your brain releases a hormone called oxytocin. This makes you feel good and firms up emotional and social bonds while lowering anxiety and fear. Try massages, steamy showers together, partner’s yoga, or cuddling.
2. Talk About the Play/Pleasure/Sex You Want to Put on The Calendar: When you are scheduling play, pleasure, or sex, what types of activities will you engage in? What will be fun for both/all of you? What will you anticipate and look forward to? Be an active participant in the co-creation of your pleasure, or your pain! (Ha!) 
3. Try Something New-Why not try something different? Looking for some ideas? Take a couples field trip to the local sex shop or shop online, try a new sex toy. Ever consider adding some light bondage? There are so many fun, educational workshops, why not find one you’d both enjoy attending? Get curious around power dynamics, or talk about your fantasies and how you might be able to bring them to life, if only in conversation and in your imaginations- which can also be powerful amplifiers to pleasure and eroticism. 

Sometimes, all we need are some gentle “tune ups” to “turn us on.” And when we let go of what we think we’re supposed to do next, the more we can do what we WANT to do in our fun worlds of sex, play, and pleasure.