Purity Culture: Untangling the Thread of Shame and Rape Culture

“Purity culture” is a semi-religious cultural and societal movement which emphasizes sexual abstinence, placing extreme importance on virginity and sexual restriction, with roots in midcentury American Evangelical Christian teachings. Its birth as a movement can be traced to the “True Love Waits” campaign, launched in 1993 by youth pastor Richard Ross with a mission for participants to abstain from “sexual thoughts, sexual touching, pornography, and actions that are known to lead to sexual arousal.” The first True Love Waits pledges were signed by teenage members of Ross’s youth group, and the campaign claims that around 2.5 million teens and young adults joined between 1993 and 2004, signing the pledge and wearing purity rings to signal their commitment to abstinence in pursuit of both righteousness, and healthy marriages later in life. I was part of this movement, receiving my first purity ring in the early 2000s, when I was perhaps 11 years old. I did not know what sex was, and the abstinence-only Sex Ed provided by my Christian primary and high schools was not particularly illuminating. I learned the mechanics of sex reading erotic fanfiction as a teen several years later; struggling immensely with the feelings of sin and shame that this brought on.

Purity culture teaches people (especially women), that preserving their virginity until marriage is one of the most important things they must do to be good Christians, and that doing so ensures a healthy married relationship. While everyone is expected to maintain their “sexual purity” until marriage, this responsibility falls heavily on women, who are generally framed as lacking any sexual desire of their own, and are positioned as stewards not only of their own sexual purity, but that of the men surrounding them. Men, conversely, are expected to fail in their pursuit of preserving their own purity until marriage, because they are taught that they are inherently more sexual and lustful – it is expected that they will engage in sex, masturbate, and use pornography. At my alma mater Biola University, I attended several chapels dedicated to male lust and porn use/addiction, and only one for women and sexuality – held in a smaller women’s chapel service, and focused more on tending to our own desire and virtue rather than acknowledging that women do, in fact, get horny. My final thesis project focused on how sex negativity is not biblically sound, and harms women in a way that contradicts our nature as creations of a loving God.

In purity culture, women are typically presented as objects of potential lust, often requiring strict modesty and sex-based segregation to preserve both their virtue, and prevent men or boys around them from “stumbling” – being tempted into sin or sinful thoughts. In this culture, even thoughts can be sinful. Linda Kay Klein, author of “Pure: Inside the Evangelical Movement that Shamed a Generation of Young Women and How I Broke Free” expresses it perfectly: “Men are taught their minds are evil, whereas women are taught their bodies are evil.” Vice President Mike Pence famously claimed not to dine alone with any woman but his wife, nor attend events that serve alcohol without her. This typifies purity culture – women are framed as potential objects of lust, and men are expected to avoid them if necessary to preserve their integrity or keep their lustful minds from wandering. It is an unhealthy mental dynamic for any gender. 

Purity culture stresses virginity until marriage, and when a couple marries, they are expected to begin engaging in enjoyable sex – presented as a prize for having made it that far as a virgin. But because purity culture simultaneously fetishizes and demonizes sex, this results in a huge cognitive dissonance. Even when people do “follow all the rules” and refrain from sexual activity until marriage, they can experience terror around the idea of sex or arousal, because for years, they’ve identified those things with temptation, sin, and eternal damnation. 

In accordance with its expectations of abstinence until marriage only, contraception is discouraged or taboo, as it can be used as an “excuse” to have sex. Pregnancy and childbirth are presented as consequences of having sex, which has lasting repercussions even for couples who “did it right,” as they’re left to untangle a mess of conflicting messages not only around sex, but around reproduction and family dynamics as a whole.

Purity culture is rape culture. From a young age, girls in purity culture are presented with a cacophony of objectifying comparisons of us and our bodies to illustrate the woes of letting yourself be lured into sex – imagery of chewed gum, an Oreo that’s been pulled apart and disassembled – my own youth group leaders (in a group of 13-19 year-olds) glued two pieces of construction together and ripped them apart, to illustrate the bond formed between two people who have fucked, and how that ruins them for their future spouses. When kidnapping and sexual assault survivor Elizabeth Smart escaped captivity, she specifically referenced this: “I thought, ‘Oh, my gosh, I’m that chewed up piece of gum, nobody re-chews a piece of gum, you throw it away.’ And that’s how easy it is to feel like you know longer have worth, you know longer have value… Why would it even be worth screaming out? Why would it even make a difference if you are rescued? Your life still has no value.” Smart was 14 when she was kidnapped and believed that, as a rape victim, she was impure and worthless. Shame for being impure keeps women from recognizing or reporting assault – whether marital rape and coercion, or violent rape (as in the case of Smart). Purity culture’s failure (or refusal) to give women vocabulary around sex also keeps them from understanding or reporting sexual assault.

Issues

The primary issues survivors of purity culture encounter stem from the intense shame and fear surrounding sexuality on the whole – more so even than people in mainstream cultures. This includes sexual desire and activity (including for or with their own spouse), shame around one’s body, (particularly for women taught to be modest at the risk of tempting the men and boys around them), inability to articulate or communicate concepts around sex, pleasure, or sexual assault, and feelings of worthlessness whether you engage in consensual sex or are raped.

The fear of sex can become so great that even within marriage, a person or couple will often retain the idea that “Sex Is Bad” to the extent that they cannot engage in healthy, enjoyable sex with their partner. This can manifest in cognitive dissonance (“I should like this but it feels wrong!”), vaginismus for people Assigned Female at Birth, and a general inability to communicate around sex, explore new ideas, etc. due to a lack of vocabulary and comfort.  

Lack of agency is another major issue for those in purity culture. You are not taught that your body is your own; more likely you view it as a temple to God, or even as belonging to your [future] spouse. Most people are not given tools to communicate around sex and desires, even internally, and if you don’t know or feel comfortable with your needs and wants, you cannot express them. Sometimes the only thing a person learns to say is “No,” to preserve their virtue, until they get married and it’s finally time to “Yes,” – but they don’t know much beyond that. Often, that yes is also understood to be unconditional, as marital rape is often not recognized.

Purity culture survivors often struggle deeply with use of porn or erotica – and even masturbation. These are positioned as a form of infidelity to your partner, or potential partner. Purity culture demonizes both porn use and masturbation (often conflating the two), presenting these as inherently sinful, addicting, and cheating behaviors. This is most often presented as a male problem, which results in even more intense feelings of shame for them around what is often a healthy expression of sexuality and consumption of sex-based entertainment. 

While survivors of purity culture experience many of the same issues as members of mainstream western or american culture, it’s vital to understand that for most of them, these issues are underscored by very high stakes: sin and the risk of hell (“Hell Fear”). Most purity culture survivors are also religious trauma survivors (often who have deconstructed or left their faith), and the confluence of sexual dysfunction and that religious trauma creates extra difficulty in unlearning these harmful beliefs. Depending on where they are in this process, clients could require significant education around what purity culture even is. 

A unique element I bring in supporting my clients is that of religious context, combined with the sex and body positivity intrinsic to my work. I graduated from Biola University (one of the top 3 most conservative American Evangelical universities) with a BA in Communication and a minor in Biblical Studies. Purity culture is a particular American invention, stemming from our country’s Protestant roots, the “Great Awakening,” and the mid-19th century movements of Moral Majority founders like Jerry Falwell, Sr. It does not have a strong doctrinal foundation, and being able to explore sex positive elements within Christian doctrine tends to be helpful for those coming from purity culture. Creating a sense of safety is foundational in all sex and intimacy related work, but is especially crucial for people coming from this world.