Repair After Rupture

by Jamie Azar, Certified Relationship and Intimacy Coach

Shame likes to live in the shadowed corners of our relational and communal ruptures. Whether it’s the embarrassment around our reactions, words, thoughts, or any behavior that erupted from a heightened emotional state or encounter, it can lead us back into our most fearful selves. Like a switch, we immediately seek to protect, defend, rage, flee, or freeze in complete suspension.

We may know how to leave a relationship, set boundaries, or cut “toxic” people from our lives. While I’m not encouraging anyone to stay in an unhealthy or abusive relationship, there is a valid notion that Western therapy, specifically, over-teaches boundaries and under-teaches repair. I would argue that this could be applied to Western society in general, as well as to our
individual friendships and romantic relationships.

Relationally, it’s easy to avoid ruptures, though resentment will fester. Our days and nights get busy, and silence can enshroud the shame we feel when we hurt someone. We say things we may not truly mean. People may fear confronting the conversation again because they want to avoid their own or a partner’s defensiveness or reactivity. Or, we may not want to “ruin a good moment.” These patterns eventually become barriers to communication and connection because unresolved hurt and conflict still linger. Ultimately, it’s about radical honesty, transparency, and authenticity, and it does take courage. The conversation might need to happen multiple times to clear unresolved conflict or resentment. However, repairing after rupture leads to healing deep attachment wounds, greater self-awareness and growth, and transforms a relationship to new depths of understanding and respect. Each time we are able to repair, we build the muscle to become more equipped for intentional treatment of each other and respectful communication in the future.

So, how exactly do you heal after an intense rupture or hurt?

Healing through a rupture involves:

1. Taking accountability – If there’s one person who doesn’t believe in taking accountability, refuses to self-reflect, and won’t examine their own behaviors, there may not be space for future growth with this person. Taking accountability involves empathy, humility, and an objective perspective. It allows you to see beyond yourself and understand how your actions or patterns are contributing to a harmful cycle or emotional impact on your relationship or the person you love.

2. Active Listening – This generally doesn’t happen when we’re feeling reactive, emotionally activated, or dysregulated. It may not happen right away, and you may need to return to the conversation. You must observe the person, notice their somatic
responses, and self-regulate so you can really seek to understand what the person is communicating about themselves or the situation. You may offer head nods or other visual/non-verbal cues that show you’re trying to understand their perspective. Give them eye contact, or if you’re in a relationship with the person, try holding hands during the conversation while maintaining eye contact.

3. Clear and direct communication – Using “I” statements is key to communicating your feelings in a way that minimizes defensiveness, accusation, or blaming. For example: “I feel __________ when you __________ because ___________.” Responding with understanding and clarifying questions helps show you’re processing what they’re saying: “I hear you, and I think what I’m hearing from you is _____________, and_________. Is that what you’re saying?” Be honest about what you need, or what you need to work on in the relationship. What will you commit to moving forward?

4. Empathy– Empathy is key to healing ruptures because it validates emotions, builds trust, and creates a nonjudgmental space for open communication. It helps people feel heard, promotes understanding, and supports emotional healing. By showing care and understanding, empathy strengthens relationships and facilitates resolution, making the bond more resilient. It involves a conscious willingness to truly understand what the other person might be feeling.

Once the connection is re-established, acknowledge it. Celebrate it. Talk about it and discuss how you were able to effectively talk through things. Continue to nurture the relationship and each other as the connection solidifies through physical affection, small daily acts of kindness, thoughtful gestures, cuddling, or simply spending quality time together.

A rupture in a relationship is not something to be ashamed of, whether it’s due to an argument, infidelity, a broken agreement, or some other point of disconnect. A relational rupture or tendencies toward disconnect and disagreement are signposts pointing toward unmet needs. Once we have the tools to navigate rupture and disrepair through communication skills, empathy, and self-awareness, we can foster deeper growth, understanding, and transformation in both ourselves and our relationships.