Exploring Creative Monogamy: Exclusive and Expansive
Exploring Creative Monogamy: Exclusive and Expansive
Monogamy is often seen as the default relational structure in society, yet many people don’t question the expectations or assumptions that come with it. We at once idealize and romanticize lifelong commitment and sexual fidelity to one person, while also feeling the weight of the expectation to fulfill all of our partner’s emotional, physical, intellectual, spiritual, and sexual needs—an unrealistic burden that often leaves partners feeling dissatisfied.
Ironically, the nuclear family structure, which is rooted in monogamy, can lead to a paradox of enmeshment and isolation. While people may spend time with extended family, meaningful friendships and community networks can fade in the hustle of daily life, further disconnecting us from the potential for fulfilling relationships with others.
For some, the idea of opening a relationship may be unthinkable; complete sexual openness with others might feel like a threat to the foundations of their committed relationship. However, relationship dynamics exist on a spectrum, with infinite possibilities for how we can structure and style our relationships. The reality is people change. Our desires change, our needs, preferences, sexuality, sexual orientation, gender identity, gender expression, all of these facets of our identities may change, and the reality is the same thing can happen with our partners.
Why then, would we expect our relationships to stay the same?
In fact, there are a myriad of ways we can infuse consciousness, creativity, and malleability into our monogamous relationships while still finding a balance between exclusivity and expansion, from exploring being “monogamish,” a term coined by sex columnist and relationship expert Dan Savage, or exploring other forms of creative monogamy, introduced by other relationship experts like Dr. Joli Hamilton. Creative monogamy may be worth exploring if you and or your partner might be interested or curious in restructuring your long-term relationship, and if there are already solid foundations of trust and communication.
So, what is creative monogamy exactly? How is it different from other open relationship styles like polyamory? And why might versions of creative monogamy be worth discussing or exploring with your partner(s)?
What is Creative Monogamy?
Traditional monogamy typically centers on emotional and physical exclusivity with a partner. Creative monogamy, however, allows you to custom design your relationship. Often, we become so focused on what we think we should have or be, that we overlook what we actually want and need. Creative monogamy allows room to create new molds for your relationship that fit your changing selves—some elements might remain exclusive or monogamous, while others may be open to exploration.
For example, partners might agree to emotional exclusivity while allowing for physical exploration with others. There could be agreements around integrating other people into the relationship, attending play parties, or maintaining emotional connections without physical involvement. It’s essential to dethrone couple-centrism and approach these agreements with respect for the autonomy of everyone involved, ensuring care, consideration, and consent at all stages. No one should be treated like an object or a means to an end along a couple’s journey.
Beyond actions, this approach invites you to discuss new ideas and boundaries around relating to others. What would it feel like to negotiate these boundaries? This is also a time to examine conditioned beliefs that arise and question how they align with your values. If these beliefs no longer fit, consider how to rewrite your relationship scripts. Ultimately, taking the time to explore your values, intentions, and the consent of all involved is crucial.
How is Creative Monogamy Different from Polyamory?
People practicing “monogamish” relationships or creative monogamy typically prioritize their primary partnership but allow for explorations outside the relationship with clear boundaries and open communication. The emotional connection stays centered on the primary partner. Again, I think it’s really important to be mindful of couple centrism, and respecting that the relationship will be different even by having these conversations. Polyamory, on the other hand, involves multiple romantic relationships, all with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved. Love and emotional intimacy can be shared with several partners, without the confines of exclusivity and or alignment with any primary partner or hierarchy at all, usually under the agreement of consensual or ethical non-monogamy. At the heart of it all, relationships, like sexuality and gender, exist on a spectrum. There’s no one-size-fits-all approach to love and connection. So why not explore the possibilities and create a unique, fulfilling dynamic that works for you and your partner(s) on your own terms?
How Do I Know if Creative Monogamy Might Be Right for Me?
Start by reflecting on your current relationship. What beliefs or values shape your situation? Are there aspects of alternative relating that intrigue you? Do you ever feel curious about exploring desires outside of your relationship? Perhaps one partner is curious about exploring non-monogamy, or perhaps one partner develops or uncovers an inherent polyamorous or non-monogamous identity they feel exists beyond more than a “lifestyle.” Again, people channon-monogamousge and or uncover who they are or feel they’re meant to be along the journey of life.
Think about your ability to openly communicate boundaries. Is there trust in your relationship? Are you willing to put in the effort to maintain those boundaries? Are you open to revisiting agreements with honesty and transparency? These are questions worth exploring, either alone or with your partner(s).
Timing matters when initiating these conversations. Here are some gentle start ups to open the discussion. I encourage you to schedule an intentional time to follow up on these conversations, to have them often, and when you’re regulated, calm, and open to them.
● I’ve been thinking a lot about how we connect, and I wonder if we might explore
some new ways to strengthen our bond. What do you think?
● I’ve been reading about different relationship dynamics, and it got me thinking
about what might work for us. Could we talk about how we want our relationship
to evolve?
● I love the connection we share, and I’ve been wondering if we might experiment
with adjusting things in a way that works for both of us. How do you feel about
that?
● I feel like we’ve built such a strong foundation together, and I’ve been curious
about how we can keep growing, individually and as a couple. Would you be open
to discussing that?;
● I really value our relationship, and I think it might be worth exploring how we can
make it even more fulfilling. What are your thoughts on that?
● I know we’ve talked about our relationship a lot, but I’d love to explore the idea of
trying something new together. What do you think?
The goal isn’t to change everything or anyone overnight or dive into radical change. Instead, it’s about getting curious and exploring the potential flexibility that exists within a relationship as we honor the changes within ourselves. This can lead to greater agency in designing and customizing a relationship that suits everyone’s evolving needs and desires, and how you connect with others and yourselves.
Jamie Azar is former graduate of the Pleasure Psychology and Sexology Certification program, a sex, relationship, and intimacy coach, educator, writer, and mindfulness practitioner based in South Carolina. She offers 1-1 coaching with singles, couples, throuples + to co-create a safe, sex-positive, transformative, liberating, and empowering space that fosters personal and relational growth. She specializes in dismantling limiting beliefs, deconstructing, and destigmatizing harmful narrative constructs, to help clients reframe and redefine their understandings of selfhood, sex, sexuality, and relationships. To work with Jamie go here!