By Kim Rodriguez
A healthy sex life is a key part of wellbeing for many adults. Whether that involves solo pleasure, intimacy with a committed partner, or more casual encounters, understanding and meeting our sexual needs and desires is a natural component of human health and happiness.
When starting a new sexual relationship, whatever form that takes, it’s important that everyone involved feels safe and consents. That way, you and your partner/s can fully enjoy your experiences together. So what questions should you ask before starting out? In this post, we share three things to clarify before you begin.
When was your last STI test, and what were the results?
Sexual health is important, with many sexually transmitted infections (STIs) causing unpleasant or debilitating symptoms such as discharge and discomfort, and in some cases, longer-term effects such as fertility issues. Therefore, it’s really important to make sure you’re getting tested on a regular basis, especially if you and your sexual partner aren’t exclusive.
Checking with a new partner so that you can both be sure you’ve got a clean bill of health is an essential step. Using condoms will also help to protect you from catching STI’s.
What are your boundaries?
Sex is meant to be fun and to be enjoyed: you should be enthusiastically consenting, rather than feeling compromised or forced into doing something. Even people with the best intentions can sometimes make their partner uncomfortable by doing something they feel is ‘normal’, while the other person isn’t truly happy with it.
Talking about any hard boundaries that you have before you begin will help you avoid being in this situation, and it can also open the conversation around what you both enjoy. You don’t have to lay out everything on the table right away – by agreeing on a safe word that tells your partner you want to stop, then you can experiment with new things, without worrying you have to keep going if you’re not enjoying yourself.
How can I let you know what I like?
Sex is a two-way street. Neither of you can be expected to get things perfectly right all the time, especially at first. You’ll each have different levels of experience, and can’t read each other’s minds.
Talking about likes and dislikes before you begin is a good place to start, but you should also check with your partner how they like feedback to be given. Would they rather know in the moment what they can do differently? Or would that make them nervous – perhaps they’d prefer to talk about it afterwards? Would they want you to take the lead and show them? Working this out can avoid hurt feelings and ensure everyone feels fully satisfied. If talking about this in person is hard for either one of you, then you could try texting instead. Alternatively, sit facing away from each other and have the conversation – it can be intense to look someone in the eyes and express your feelings.
Communication is key
You might feel like having these conversations takes some of the excitement out of a new encounter, but it doesn’t need to. Ultimately, feeling relaxed and safe will lead to better sex for everyone involved.
Kim is a freelance writer who focuses on wellness topics, particularly sexual health. She aims to promote freedom from shame and enjoyment for all parties.