Does Good Intimacy Always Lead to Great Sex?

by Jamie Azar, Certified Relationship and Intimacy Coach

It may surprise you, but many couples who seek sex therapy or coaching already have a solid foundation of emotional intimacy. The issue? They’re not having sex. These couples often long for the passion they once had—the surge of erotic energy that fuels desire and a sense of aliveness. For many parents or long-term partners, sex has become non-existent or a predictable routine.

While we deeply crave security, permanence, reliability, and stability in relationships, we also have a yearning for novelty, change, and mystery. Familiarity and comfort provide a sense of safety, but many couples seek therapy because they want to reignite the excitement and aliveness they experienced in the beginning of their relationship.

Ironically, what fosters emotional intimacy doesn’t always promote great sex. In fact, increased emotional closeness can sometimes lead to decreased sexual desire. As Esther Perel points out, the breakdown of desire can be an unintended consequence of intimacy. Closeness doesn’t always translate into sensuality—sometimes, it’s the very proximity and familiarity that stifle desire.

So, can we have both deep intimacy and eroticism, or are they mutually exclusive?

In Mating in Captivity, Perel offers several strategies to unlock erotic intelligence in relationships.

1. Seeing Your Partner with New Eyes
When we view our partners outside of the relationship context, we can highlight their “otherness.” Over time, as we become enmeshed with our partners, we often assume we know them completely, which can neutralize their complexity. We may ignore or reject aspects of their personality that challenge the security of the relationship. However, when we can bring a sense of mystery into the familiar, and see our partners beyond their roles as spouses, we can rediscover their individual aliveness—whether in conversation, hobbies, or creative pursuits. This new perspective can enhance attraction and deepen connection.

2. Separateness as a Precondition for Connection
Surprisingly, it’s not a lack of closeness that impedes desire, but rather an over-enmeshment of identities. Too much proximity can lead to a fusion of identities, where partners lose their individuality. On the other hand, too much distance can create disconnection. Perel argues that separateness—maintaining independence and autonomy—is crucial for intimacy. This balance allows for two distinct worlds to exist within the relationship, fostering the mystery and individuality needed to view your partner as a complex, evolving person.

3. Cultivating Your Own Secret Garden
Erotic intelligence, according to Perel, thrives on space—creating distance where desire can flourish. For couples struggling with separateness, Perel likens personal intimacy to a “secret garden,” a private zone that requires respect and tolerance. This space allows your eroticism to develop independently, fueled by fantasy, imagination, and desire. Desire needs mystery, and it often withers when stifled by routine, familiarity, or a lack of autonomy in the relationship. Desire thrives on novelty and the unexpected. However, many couples forget to nurture this desire when they settle into the comfort and security of long-term relationships. It’s easy to forget to keep the flame of passion alive.

The good news is that intimacy and desire don’t have to be mutually exclusive. You can cultivate both by seeing your partner as an evolving individual, maintaining separateness and autonomy within the relationship, and fostering your own secret garden of eroticism. And if you’re curious to explore more ways to reconnect with your passion, check out LAST founder Moushumi Ghose’s desire formula—it might be just what you need to reignite the flames of desire. You can check it out here!