“Don’t Ask Don’t Tell”: a Problematic Policy for Polyamory

You’re probably familiar with the phrase “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell”– a policy the US military said was inclusive to the LGBT community, but which was actually rooted in oppression and discrimination. Don’t Ask Don’t Tell encouraged secrecy, shame, and suppression of self. Similarly, in the context of polyamory and ethical/consensual non-monogamy, Don’t Ask Don’t Tell (DADT) is an expression that has a similar meaning. Basically, it means that two partners agree that “you do what you want, I do what I want,” and no one tells the other anything about what they’re doing, who they’re seeing/interested in, and the other relationships they maintain outside. While this may sound like a clear and easy boundary to those new to polyamory, Don’t Ask Don’t Tell blurs ethical lines, which doesn’t qualify as true ethical/consensual non-monogamy at all.

As the name ethical/consensual non-monogamy suggests, we prefer to lean into communication, consent, transparency, and radical honesty. Don’t Ask Don’t Tell actually encourages folks to lean into the secrecy and withholding of information; to look the other way from jealousy, insecurity, and fear of abandonment. If you don’t know about it, you won’t feel uncomfortable, and those “icky” feelings won’t surface. Right? Wrong!  

The beautiful thing about ethical/consensual non-monogamy/polyamory is that it asks us to lean into that radical honesty, and also asks that we lean into exploring that jealousy, insecurity, etc.–it doesn’t ignore those feelings, or suppress them. The communication and transparency don’t just apply to the literal activities and “nitty gritty” details about your romantic and sexual pursuits; they also apply to the open communication about the feelings that are less pleasant but require a safe space to explore, discuss, and work through. We’re not claiming this is easy; truthfully, says Moushumi Ghose, MFT, ethical/consensual non-monogamy can be harder, in some regards, because you simply have more relationships, emotions, and moving parts to consider. Mathematically-speaking, there are more variables in the equation! However, the openness surrounding those variables and feelings that come up can be truly transformative. 

Why, then, do people use Don’t Ask Don’t Tell in the first place? Because it seems easier initially. Those who are new to ethical/consensual non-monogamy/polyamory may think it’s a good idea, but in actuality Ghose says it “apes” monogamy. Society’s strict adherence to monogamy has conditioned us to believe that there’s only one person for us at a time (serial monogamy, hello?), which can lead us to feel like we’re not enough, or that there’s something wrong with us, if we’re not the only romantic person in our partner’s life. Don’t Ask Don’t Tell protects us from those feelings. If our heads are in the sand, we don’t have to worry about these uncomfortable, jealous feelings of insecurity, FOMO, and fear of abandonment. 

Monogamous culture tells us that keeping things from one another and avoiding discussion is standard–the “norm.” From this perspective, though, lying and cheating are side-effects. As a result, relationships and practices that fall outside of the normal structure–i.e “one person for me forever”–then lean into lying and cheating as well. It’s how we are conditioned. Based on this, embracing the radical honesty of truly ethical non-monogamy can feel scary. I get it!

So what to do to combat this compulsion to stick our heads in the proverbial sand? Assuming your goal is the honest pursuit of successful, consensual, ethical non monogamy, you have to first recognize that it is not easy–and that’s okay! “At its core, ethical/consensual non-monogamy/polyamory is about leaning into these difficult conversations, and vulnerable openness, with your partner(s); allowing yourself and your partner to feel jealousy, insecurity, but also compersion (the happiness someone finds in their partner seeking out and enjoying sexual and romantic intimacy with other people),” according to Ghose, “That is where the true transformation happens.” While it may feel scary at first, Ghose says this transparency is what unlocks a deeply intimate level of relationship not necessarily accessible within traditional monogamy. Diving into that, with both feet, eyes open, is the only way to access profound results, not just in your relationship, but in your entire life as well! 

For more about Don’t Ask Don’t Tell and its diametric opposition to CNM/ENM, click below to hear directly from Ghose! And don’t forget to check out LAST’s CNM Support Group, every other Thursday at 5pm PST–details on our events page!