From my experience as a relationship therapist, communication issues are one of the most common relationship complaints, ranging from: miscommunication, to lack of communication, to complicated communication or communication that just feels hella exhausting and hard.
My take as a relationship therapist is that, while important and (understandably) concerning, communication is usually not the core issue for those that claim it is. It’s usually just a symptom of the core issue(s). Themes like sex, money, parenting, extended family, and decision making are also not the core issues. These common topics just tend to be where the communication symptoms show up in the relationship, leaving folks longing for tools, tips, and advice on how to better their communication and their relationship. But that’s it… Communication (in my opinion) is a tool itself. A relationship tool, just one (and not even necessarily the most impactful) way to feel connected and intimate in a relationship.
So what the heck is the common core issue brought up in relationship therapy?
Well, I don’t claim to be the knower of core issues in relationship therapy, but I can speak to the one that I am personally and professionally biased at and easily pick-up on in sessions- Difficult Emotions. More specifically, the intrapersonal and interpersonal struggle with difficult emotions.
In short, we are often faced with some kind of interaction or experience with our partner(s) that will emotionally activate us. Our emotional brain (and emotional-physiological experience) takes over and we go into survival mode with sudden defensiveness to protect ourselves. We lose full access to the rational part of our brain that helps us problem solve and as if that isn’t enough, we end up feeling distant from the parts of us that want to relate and feel connected to others.
What does this have to do with communication and relationships?
Some of us therapists share a belief that, the client(s) are the expert of self and their relationship(s) and us therapists share our knowledge, training, and experiences with our clients as they need, until they don’t need us anymore. In relationship therapy, I shine a light on this core experience with difficult emotions and help folks establish their own process, individually and collectively, for dealing with difficult emotions. With more awareness, deeper understanding, and practice at moving through difficult emotions, folks begin to feel more agency over how they respond to difficult situations and more open to connecting interpersonally.
What about communication?
It works itself out! Remember, communication issues are just a symptom. Strengthening one’s capacity and ability to move through difficult emotions, can encourage a better understanding and more compassion for self. Naturally, this can encourage a better understanding and more compassion for their partner(s). It can also provide greater access to the more rational parts of the brain and allow for more of the parts of self that want to relate and feel connected to others.
Establishing one’s practice for difficult emotions sets a beautiful foundation for dealing with any difficult situation. Including the most complained about in relationship therapy- communication difficulties. Life will inevitably include difficult periods, difficult situations and difficult people. This will activate difficult emotions. And sometimes it will be challenging, and even painful. Having a better relationship with one’s emotions will inevitably result in more versatility, increased resilience, emotional regulation, mental clarity, and an open heart.
For more information on some of the ideologies that have informed my perspective on dealing with difficult emotions in relationships, you can search the following:
-ADEPT Psychology
– Emotion Focused Therapy
– Somatic Therapy
-Poly Vagal Theory
-Attachment Theory
– The Gottman Method (John Gottman)
-Internal Family Systems
-Expressive Arts Therapy, including Person Centered Expressive Arts Therapy
