Help! When Performance Anxiety Plagues the Bedroom

When performance becomes a priority in the bedroom, we deny ourselves the expansiveness and depth of our pleasure. Performance anxiety in its simplest terms might look like “putting on a show” in the bedroom for the sake of maintaining a persona, or upholding ideals of what s*x “should look like,” or to fulfill the either real or imagined expectations of our partner(s) or playmate(s). Whether it’s what we’ve seen in p*rn, movies, magazines, what we’ve heard from friends, or whether borne from the miseducation of limited or nonexistent s*x education and an overall lack of s*x positivity, we may either consciously or subconsciously hide our authentic selves in place of a persona we imagine we must be in the bedroom and deny ourselves access to our greatest pleasure.

Not only does this minimize the potential and possibility of an enjoyable and pleasurable s*xual experience for ourselves and our partners, but we rob ourselves of fully experiencing our authentic and unique eroticism for the sake of upholding generally harmful norms or expectations. Whether it’s feeling the need to maintain a constant, hard erection, dishing out the best bl*wjob ever, or performing the best org*sm, let’s face it, most of us have been plagued by pressure and performance anxiety at least once in our lives. However, s*x doesn’t have to look a certain way, feel a certain way, or even sound a certain way, contrary to popular belief.

While it’s completely normal and natural to experience pressure and performance anxiety in the bedroom, there are also ways to break ourselves out into our authentically wild and er*tic selves.

1. Practice presence and mindfulness: Find a way to prepare your body, mind, and energy for a s*xual or intimate experience. Maybe it’s taking a shower or bath, lathering your body with oil or lotion, or taking part in an individual or couples meditation or eye gazing session. Maybe it’s putting on lingerie or engaging in self-touch or mast*rbation before getting intimate with your partner(s). Learn to listen to your body and prepare your body to be receptive through a state of relaxation, surrender, and trust. 

    

2. Communication: Communicate your needs during s*x. Are you bored? Feeling overstimulated? Need a different position, pressure, rhythm, texture? Listen to your body and don’t be afraid to communicate what you want or don’t want from your partner(s). It’s okay to take a break and get back into it, or not! 

    

3. Acknowledge, Accept, Let Go: Honor that stress, trauma, and shame often find their way into the bedroom. Blocked emotions can come up. Can you practice acknowledging and noticing the sensations in your body, and accepting with non-judgment, and self-compassion?  S*xual energy is creative and healing energy. Can you use the energy of the moment to heal blocked emotions and transcend old patterns to create new cellular and neural pathways for pleasure and joy?

    

4. Have A Growth Mindset: Nothing will change if we don’t think it will. It’s important to have a growth mindset toward ourselves and our partner(s). Unlearning heteronormative and monogamous standards and ideals take time. Having the courage to define your own paths to pleasure through self-actualization and self-confidence is a journey, but also a responsibility. Taking the time to explore what makes you feel s*xy, what turns you on, and admitting that we don’t know what we’re into and that we’re still figuring it out is great too! Being honest, authentic, and transparent is hot.

Additionally, while feeling pressure or performance anxiety during s*x and intimacy is normal and natural, it doesn’t have to be that way. There are phenomenal coaches and therapists at LAST who can help you and your partner(s) work through this together. You can learn more about our coaches and therapists here and book a free 15 minute consultation today!