How to Talk About What You Want in a Relationship
If you’ve ever struggled to express a desire —
whether it’s introducing a kink, wanting to open the relationship, or even just asking for time to take a class or go on a solo trip —
you’re not alone.
The truth is,
many of us were never taught how to ask for what we want in a way that feels safe.
Maybe we grew up in homes where needs were ignored or punished.
Maybe we learned early on that being “too much” or wanting something different could rock the boat.
So we stay silent.
We suppress.
We settle.
But here’s the thing:
you can learn to speak up for yourself.
You can get closer to the intimacy, connection, and freedom you crave —
and it starts with how you communicate.
Here are four steps I often share with clients and students:
1. Go Slow
Big conversations don’t have to happen all at once. Let the nervous system settle.
Make space for safety and presence, not urgency.
2. Plant Seeds
You don’t need to say everything in one breath. Hint at your interest.
Drop a playful “what if…”
Share something you read or saw.
Let curiosity lead.
3. Be Respectful
This isn’t about demanding or persuading.
It’s about honoring your truth while also staying open to theirs.
Speak with care, especially around topics that may feel vulnerable.
4. Listen Actively
When your partner responds, really listen.
Reflect back what you hear.
Ask clarifying questions.
This builds trust and keeps the conversation from turning into conflict.
Whether you’re sharing a fantasy, expressing a need for more independence, or inviting a new chapter in your relationship —
this approach helps you stay grounded in mutual respect and connection.
And remember:
It’s not just about good communication.
It’s about reclaiming your right to want.
To take up space.
To be heard.
To be whole.
It’s okay if it feels hard. It’s okay if it takes practice.
You’re learning to speak the language of intimacy —
fluently,
bravely,
and on your own terms.
Mou (pronounced Mo) is licensed sex therapist, sex-positive advocate and the creator of Los Angeles Sex Therapy (LAST Collective) as well as the Pleasure Psychology Sexology Training & Coaching Certification.
Mou’s passion is around advocacy and change by breaking down barriers for better relationships and sex. Mou specializes in couples sex therapy that is trauma informed with an emphasis on emotion focused and somatic work and which integrates other modalities as needed which are tailored to her clients needs. She has extensive experience both personal and professional with LGBTQIA, Kink, Ethical Consensual Non Monogamy (ENM/CNM), Polyamory, BIPOC.
She is the author of several books, has appeared in the media and numerous publications. She is the creator of a documentary film series Temple and Brothels undoing harmful messages around sex, and sexuality.
www.moushumighose.com