If you’ve been following along with us, you may have caught our article on handling the holidays when they’re not the merriest time of year. Despite the fact that holidays are technically NYE/New Year’s inclusive, we thought the pressures surrounding New Years deserved their own, dedicated thoughts from our experts! The new year can be a stressful pressure cooker of expectations and toxic positivity/empty platitudes/grandiose reinvention goals for many people—either from an internalized perspective, or as a response to the many external forces bombarding us from every screen. Whether it’s gym adverts insisting the first day of your life can start as soon as you JOIN NOW JOIN THEIR GYM, coffee date conversations with ambitious friends telling you all about their resolutions that will ~change their entire lives,~ or mid-winter burnout leaving you feeling low and “unproductive,” (which I use with my tongue firmly in my cheek, as I am in the camp that believes we are designed to rest during the darker, colder months), plenty of factors contribute to this pressure to revamp, reinvent, and almost reincarnate ourselves as we approach the end of the year.
Fortunately, Beth Kiacz, AMFT, Vanessa Icazbalceta-Soto, LPCC, and our very own founder Moushumi Ghose, LMFT are here with some thoughts that may help you navigate what it means to look toward the new year while managing what can be extreme expectations.
The Big “R”
Let’s start by addressing the most prominent connotation with New Year’s: resolutions. I have known plenty of people who don’t bother with them! And frankly, I applaud their confident distance from not only the barrage of emails, posts, and ads demanding attention and commitment come January 1st, but also from the internal discomfort which can make people like they need to turn over some kind of leaf. For many of us, however, we can’t help but consider resolutions as the new year approaches—some casually, others very…well, resolutely! And if you’re comfortable with your take on it, that’s great! But if, like me, you are conflicted and/or stressed about it, you may perhaps wonder if there’s any merit to resolutions at all—or, at least, those that are attached so immovably to 01/01 (a date which, Vanessa would like to remind us, “is just another day after all!”).
The answer? It depends—it may depend on the resolution itself, or your view of what a resolution means. If your goals are dependent upon a sense of “bettering” yourself, Beth would like to note that “being “better” means different things to different folks – could be reading more books, showing kindness to others, or nature time.” Allowing for that variance in what “better” means to you is a more freeing way to approach your own reflections on what you would like to see more of in your life, as opposed to what the aforementioned barrage of media/sales tactics want to see in your life [wallet]. “Resolutions can be valuable if they are personally meaningful rather than externally dictated,” says Beth.
Vanessa likes to structure her resolutions in a nontraditional way, tending to “put together a lot of mid to small resolutions with only 1 or 2 big ones. That way, when I get to the end of the year, I can 1. be proud of myself for getting MOST of my resolutions done, 2. Have empathy for myself, recognizing I am only human and its understandable I couldn’t do it all, and 3. Keep myself accountable by reinforcing or changing if need be, the resolutions that were not met.” Much like Beth’s, Vanessa’s take has a similar compassion for the humanity of us all, and less rigid strictures on what those goals must look like. There is a flexibility to them that allows for the ebb and flow of being a human person and living the life of a human person. One person’s January could be catastrophically different than another’s, so how could we expect the same work product from Person A’s 30 days, as we do from Person B’s? We are constantly growing and stretching (and resting!), so allowing our aspirations to be as dynamic as we are may not only help reduce anxiety around them, but give us the breathing room to actually achieve them.“You’re also allowed to pivot throughout the year. Life is unpredictable—loss, illness, or opportunities may arise—and your goals should flow with you, not against you” says Beth.
Moushumi has a similarly non-linear perspective on resolutions, preferring “setting mindful intentions based on things we are already working on.”
Things like,
“-I will be more convicted in my convictions this year.
-I will not forget who I am this year.
-I will honor my dreams and my boundaries this year.
In other words, it’s something that you already started and you’re just going to get better at it.”
In that sense, without a delayed, future start date (or definitive, objective end date), those larger, more ambitious goals really can evolve and develop as we do. It also takes the focus away from this one, singular day initiating a huge shift. It’s pretty limiting if we believe that growth and change have to wait for their one big day in the sun. Moushumi believes “these “I’ll start tomorrow” plans can be toxic because they are reminiscent of ultimatums, black and white thinking, and they support a binge and purge mentality which feels jarring, like a roller coaster or a yo-yo. Not to mention, it can set you up for failure.” Indeed, with this line of thinking, how can we expect to feel anything but totally defeated if we get off-track from time-to-time? As those lives of ours are doing their ebbing and flowing, so too do our commitment to our goals, our resources to tackle them, and our motivation. So, “why not start today? Why wait till January 1?” asks Moushumi. It’s not that January 1st can’t be a day of renewal, but rather that so can every day.
All of this to say, if you are making resolutions (or, rather, mindful intentions) this year, try your hand at broader, more subjective resolutions that rely on you and your own journey and priorities—e.g., “I will continue to make the time for my hobby every day, because that has been self-care in my life,” or “I resolve to give myself grace to recharge and recoup this January, because the days are shorter and my body needs more rest.” Vanessa likes to “utilize some open ended goals like “I resolve to show more love towards myself” or “value the time i spend with my family” as those goals have the capacity to be interpretable by the me of 12/31. It allows me to evaluate my year and make a decision, based on what actually occurred, to see if these goals were met.” There is so much room for a variety of metrics with these goals, while still being objectives/activities that can be worked on every day. “Some of my resolutions are even on self care! One example might be “increase your self-love” or “be more open to solo activities,” says Vanessa. She prefers “making a lot of resolutions tbh, with the recognition that I am not meant to finish everything. It’s like going to a buffet, picking a bunch of fun things and maybe not getting to finish everything. Still feels nice to have options! In terms of wild ambitions, I keep big resolutions down to a minimum, maybe one or two at most.”
Even then, “big ticket” items can evolve differently. Beth says, for example, that “travel goals have consistently been on the list, though it has evolved from grand aspirations to more manageable trips. Curiosities are another way to approach the year, like learning palmistry, canning herbs or live drawing. Ultimately, resolutions can be about cultivating experiences rather than imposing rigid expectations.” In this way, it becomes about prioritizing things you’d like to do or try without a rigid metric to meet—if you canned one batch of herbs by 12/31, or took a workshop on palmistry and read a book on it, congratulations, you’ve followed through!
Inadequacy and Momentum
Don’t get us wrong—the new year can definitely be a welcome chance for many people to start over/start, refresh/reinvigorate/re-motivate! This feeling isn’t necessarily a bad thing, particularly when taking into account the advice from our experts on reframing what those resolutions necessarily connote. Two common challenges crop up amidst the new year: battling a feeling of inadequacy, and maintaining momentum. So, what can we do to harness new year’s momentum and ebullience, while still honoring the things about ourselves/our lives that have value, merit, and could serve us in the new year?
We’ll address inadequacy first. Society loves to [seasonally] demand that we become some version of ourselves that we think we “need” to be, or “should” be. Beth has their own thoughts about the role of “shoulds” in our internal dialogues: “My through line for life and sessions is looking at the narratives we all hold and questioning their value and anytime I hear a “should” my ears perk up. This is an opportunity to ask oneself if what we are striving for is our own, or if it’s what our parents, society or maybe 19-year-old you thought was the right path – and now it may not make sense. That is completely ok (though I fully admit it can be an uncomfortable realization). Asking these questions could be the goal of the year, allowing you to filter out the shoulds and bring in more joy.” This, again, speaks to their earlier advice on building goals for yourself that are internally dictated, not external. When we feel the pressures of “should,” we tend to discount the value and merit of what we already have going on.
Combatting these feelings, Vanessa doesn’t “look at resolutions as ways for me to “be better” but as goals I’d love to see this version of me accomplish.” With this perspective, we’re not trying to change our fundamental selves, but rather acknowledge that we are already enough, and that each version of ourselves is as useful, deserving, and able to thrive as the next.
Armed with this reframed sense of resolutions, however, one can still feel the wind beneath their wings stall, so to speak, as the weeks (and months) go by. When the fresh, crisp, New Year’s energy wears off, it helps to have tactics in place to be gentle with ourselves and our goal-setting to maintain our momentum. There are many schools of thought about how motivation can really only carry someone so far; at a certain point, most skills, practices, and habits have to rely on discipline (or, routine, if you’re like me!). Vanessa goes as far as to suggest that you “throw motivation out the window. Focus on discipline and honor and celebrate your hard work! We often feel a big push of momentum and feel super motivated on 01/01 but then that momentum fizzles out. So focus on the long stretch, discipline. Also, if you fall off the bang wagon for whatever goal you’re working on, realize you’re driving the bandwagon, it’s not going anywhere. So just hop back on. Radically accept those mistakes and move on! No need to start over “next Monday” or “next month” or “next year.”” This applies even to those more open-ended goals we discussed earlier—if your goal is to “be more open to solo activities,” you can restart that at any time! You can even schedule certain activities to strictly be solo; that way, when motivation lags, your discipline about your routine can help you stick to it.
If you’re someone who likes a plan for the year, Beth has a pragmatic approach: “Harnessing New Year energy can feel like casting personal spells to invigorate our dreams. For folks who are ready to dive in, I like breaking goals into smaller, time-bound chunks:
- Six-month goals: Focus on larger intentions, like learning a new skill.
- Three-month goals: Divide these intentions into smaller milestones.
- Monthly steps: Identify tiny, actionable tasks to build momentum.
For example, if your six month goal is to learn tarot, you might dedicate three months to the major arcana, three months to the minor arcana, and a monthly goal of reading for someone to build trust in your abilities.” With a bite-sized, broken down structure like Beth’s suggestion, you’re not staring down a whole year in front of you—a daunting prospect, which can very understandably leak your motivation early into the year.
In short, there are a combination of factors that can help keep you focused on/excited about your goals, without the pressure and myopic focus we place on the first of January. Remembering your internal motivations, and releasing the conviction that renewal and growth can only be accomplished or attacked once a year, can open up your whole year to the possibility of growth with compassion, grace, and flexibility. You are the captain of your ship—you get to decide where it goes, and when the journey starts!
New Year, Same Grief
Maybe resolutions aren’t a concern for you at all—you could take ‘em or leave ‘em, or you love making them. The turning over of another year can be a period of more somber reflection for many, and those feelings are certainly welcome to take up space. If you are someone who wants to acknowledge/hold space for what was perhaps a tumultuous or hard year, while still welcoming in the newness of a fresh year, “allow space for sadness to coexist with joy. They don’t cancel each other out, they can coexist,” says Beth. It’s an old adage that the only way forward is through, and in this sense, getting through each new day/week/month/year inherently commingles the grief you may bear, with the pieces of happiness you are able to find—among a multitude of other feelings. “Grief is a marathon, not a sprint, and setting new goals can be bittersweet. For those navigating hard moments, I encourage nurturing goals like rest, dinners with friends, or small joys throughout the day. These joys don’t need to be grand—they can be as simple as wearing a sweater gifted by a loved one or planning brunch with a friend.” Removing the pressure from yourself is particularly important if this is already a difficult time of year. Healing is not linear, and your new year doesn’t have to revolve around a manufactured timeline of goal-setting either. Vanessa says that “time is on a spectrum, we are not required to mark our goals by any type of calendar year,” and the same applies to grief and loss. Again, there is no prescribed “should” to that healing.
The end-of-year pressure sometimes suggests that we take stock of the year and evaluate how we did reaching our goals, but what if your year didn’t look like everyone else’s? If you were hit with some unexpected curveballs this year, it can be an additional stressor to feel like your progress or productivity from the year was put on hold. That is just fine. “Sadness and grief looks different to everyone and compounded with unfinished goals, it is a lot on the nervous system – I know I feel my chest and stomach tightening thinking about it. Movement and nature have been supportive for me, along with sensory comforts like wearing a fluffy robe or connecting with nurturing people who allow me to be myself,” says Beth. “It is hard to push forward when we are hurting. If navigating grief was your primary focus this year, that is a brave and valid accomplishment. Extend kindness to yourself, knowing that your goals can still unfold in the new year. Lean on your community—you don’t have to do it alone.”
If checking the resolution boxes you made for 2024 isn’t an option for you right now, Vanessa is a fan of practicing gratitude, a gentle and potentially fulfilling activity which can release the judgment of “what have a I accomplished?” She says, “I practice an activity I call “good night gratitude” (and subsequently, “morning mantra” the next morning). I go to bed and process my gratitudes for the day, maybe even the week or year. There is always something to be grateful for. Multiple studies on gratitude show that people who are grateful tend to be happier.” This could be good way to battle whatever anxiety you have, and express kindness toward yourself for the year you’ve had, even if you’re just grateful to have made it through.
New Year, New Fears
And SPEAKING OF ANXIETY, let us not forget that a new year means just that—new, as in change. Change can be panic-inducing to the most even-keeled amongst us, and when we are so constantly and aggressively made aware of everything happening around us—the good and, unfortunately more often, the bad—the rest of us operating with a baseline amount of anxiety stand very little chance. Impending financial distress, job prospects, upcoming life changes, ongoing personal issues, and the state of the world have the potential to make looking at 2025 feel like staring down the barrel. As I said earlier, however, the only way forward is through, so regardless of desire, how can we approach the new year with some amount of comfort, with as little panic as we can manage?
Frankly, the answer is time-tested, and you may already know it, but it comes down to managing the things that are manageable. “I take a look at what is within my own control and what powers I myself can exert. I look at what areas I can apply myself and continue to employ discipline and self-empathy!” says Vanessa. There is an anecdote my mother used to tell me about a woman who was waiting in a doctor’s office, watching a little boy playing on the floor by the wall. When she looked closer, she noticed a small trail of ants marching into the room from a crack in the baseboard. The little boy was sat, fixated, smashing the ants one-by-one, effectively keeping the ant line at bay calmly, and slowly. Now, granted, this tale doesn’t speak much to a sense of empathy toward the ants, and is a clearly imperfect metaphor when it comes to efficiency, blah blah blah, however: I return to this story from time to time when I feel like there is an antagonistic anthill outside of my baseboard. One ant at a time is within my control, and I can maintain the discipline for at least that.
Overwhelmed is a feeling shared by many, particularly right now, and even breaking it down ant-by-ant may not be enough to override the panic. “It can be hard to be positive when so much is scary or uncertain,” acknowledges Beth. “It’s important to validate feelings of fear and uncertainty rather than dismiss them. I am not one to make folks look at the bright side of things but know there are supportive steps we can take in moments like these. As a society we tend to think that we need to take on these scary events alone, or isolate ourselves when we feel sad. It is a collective fear right now and leaning into community allows us to feel less alone and build solidarity as a group.
I recently heard a beautiful metaphor: In hard times, we are like a choir—we don’t all take a breath at once. It’s okay to step back and nurture yourself so that you can support others later. This isn’t weakness, it’s how we persevere.” Take your breath going into the new year—others will need theirs, and in this way, we lean on one another.
New Year, New Practices?
While we don’t have a new, fun holiday gift guide to wrap up this article, feel free to check out our previous holiday article, which is full of sexy, interesting, playful gifts for you for any time of year—in case it’s not clear yet, you don’t need the excuse of January 1 to celebrate yourself!
If you are looking for some suggestions for rituals/practices/activities to bring warmth, comfort, and peace to your new year, Beth says they “lean into my neo-pagan roots. The last few years I have done a “year ahead” tarot reading for myself, on New Years Day. I pull thirteen cards: one for each month and then an overarching theme of the year. This practice helps me sink into the energy of the year and set meaningful intentions. Other rituals can be to take a cleansing salt bath on New Years Eve, lighting a candle to symbolize a fresh start or creating a playlist that embodies the energy you want to bring into the new year.”
Vanessa, meanwhile, “loves her beauty rest” and “doesn’t put 1/01 on a pedestal.” Her earlier referenced gratitude practice, however, is a great way to honor the year that’s ending and the year that’s beginning in, again, a very low-stakes, low-pressure way.
Whatever year you’ve had, whatever your approach to the new year and all that that entails, there is no right or wrong way to feel about it all. Throw out the “shoulds,” embrace the things about yourself and your year that you value, and take the time you need to live your ebb-and-flow life; you can always pick a goal back up, and show up as the you you are now. We are here for it!
If you are interested in speaking with one of our amazing clinicians above, or at our practice, click the link below to speak with our office about a free consultation. There is no time limit to reaching out, and if you’re seeking support, we’d love to find you a good fit.
Be well, be warm, and have a comfortable, kind New Year’s!
Caitlin Oates
Author
Doubling as LAST’s practice manager and intake coordinator, Caitlin is a writer and creative with a passion for sex-positivity, LGBTQIA advocacy, and mental health care.
Caitlin earned her bachelor’s degree in communications from Northwestern University, and now flexes those communication muscles teaching medical students humanism skills, coaching athletes in functional fitness, and learning from and working with LAST to promote, amplify, and normalize the importance of sexual and mental health.