There is more to sex than arousal, intercourse and orgasm.
Everybody thinks they know everything they need to know about sex. However, if it was so simple, there wouldn’t be so many people in need of sex therapy, marriage and relationship counseling, and there certainly wouldn’t be so many relationships ending in divorce.
We still live in a time where too many people believe that sex is all about arousal, intercourse, and lastly orgasm. If one or both members involved didn’t orgasm, then something is wrong or the sex is bad.The medical industry has spent millions of dollars capitalizing on the idea of erectile dysfunction. Men are going out in droves to get Viagra or Cialis to “cure” them of the supposed arousal problem. There is even talk of a drug for women who don’t get lubricated enough. But, much of this is based on false knowledge than truths.
Here are seven truths you need to know about sex:
1. There is more to sex than getting aroused, having intercourse and achieving orgasm. Yes. It’s time to get creative and realistic about what is sex. Sex is kissing, hugging, and sensual massage. Sex is oral stimulation, manual stimulation, mutual masturbation, and anal stimulation. Sex is talking dirty, reading erotica, watching pornography together, role play and sharing fantasies. Broaden your concept of sex, lessen your pressure and increase your enjoyment and pleasure.
2. Arousal ebbs and flows. Did you know that you can be mentally aroused but not show symptoms of arousal? Just because a woman is not wet, or a man is not erect does not indicate lack of arousal. Yes, it is true. Sometimes it takes our body time to catch up with our mind. This is normal and should not be considered a dysfunction or an issue. I hate the term erectile dyfunction for this reason. This puts unrealistic pressure on men, when having differences and changes in size, intensity and duration of erections. This is all part of the natural cycle of human nature.
Did you also know that symptoms of arousal vary from day to day, situation to situation, moment to moment? Yes, we expect that our arousal levels and symptoms to always be the same. So guys and gals, give yourselves and each other a break. When it looks like things are not rising to the occasion, so to speak, or falling flat.
Instead of focusing on what is going wrong, change the scenario so you can focus on the passion, the intimacy, the scent, the breath and enjoy the fact that you are in someone else’s sensual presence. Get out the lube, get out the lotion, and do other fun things like mutual masturbation, oral sex, kissing, taking a bath together, and reading erotica.
3. Lube is your friend. Too many people have this idea that using lube is somehow bad because it means he/she is not aroused enough to have sex. We need to stop taking our bodies ways of expressing arousal so personally. We are chemical beings with endorphins, hormones and glandular fluctuations happening with various cycles. We cannot control every aspect of our sexual response. Stop taking it so seriously and start embracing the far reaches of sexuality. Bust out that lube.
4. Sex toys are your friend! Too many people also have this idea that toys somehow suggest we are not pleasing our partner, or they are not pleasing us. Please stop with this nonsense. Sex toys provide us with extra fun in ways the human body could not provide.
We need to stop believing what they teach us in Hollywood and embrace reality. The truth is that human sexuality is far more complex, and interesting than boy meets girl and fulfills all of her needs with just one poke of his penis into her vagina.
5. Orgasm is not the end all be all. Sure, achieving an orgasm with your partner is great, but what about all the other great activities in between? Yes, I am talking about the kissing, the touching, the mutual masturbation, the dirty talk, the erotic story telling, and the role play, yes, all of that other stuff I mentioned before that is also a part of sex is all part of the fun, excitement, passion and romance too.
By becoming too focused on achieving orgasm we have become focused on the end goal, we have forgotten to enjoy the journey. Sorry ladies and gentleman, sex should not be goal oriented, sex should be about enjoying and savoring every delicious moment with your partner.
6. We focus so much on arousal, intercourse and orgasm that we have lost sight of what it means to be sensual. Don’t let the medical industry or Hollywood dictate what you already know about sex and relationships. Erectile dysfunction and arousal dysfunctions do not exist. In general, they are a natural ebb and flow of human sexuality.
7. Have fun. Sex is about having fun. Sex is about being playful, being sensual, being dirty, being kinky. Let go of the concpets of arousal, intercourse and orgasm and you will find that things will flow much easier, and sex will be enjoyable again.
This article originally appeared in Your Tango, written by TRUST’s very own Moushumi Ghose, LMFT.
Moushumi Ghose, LMFT is a renowned sex and relationship expert, author, licensed therapist, musicmaker and filmmaker. Her passion is around advocacy and focuses on educating and breaking down barriers to healthy sexuality by dispelling myths which cause shame and harm. She has appeared in the media numerous times. Moushumi is the founder of TRUST Relationship Center and Los Angeles Sex Therapy.