By Jamie Azar, Certified Sex, Relationship, and Intimacy Coach
As a sexologist and relationship and intimacy coach, I constantly encourage people to expand their definitions of sex, while reminding them that sex exists beyond penetration and orgasm. Having an orgasm doesn’t necessarily equate to sexual satisfaction, nor does it have to be a requirement for great sex.
Additionally, many people may feel forced or pressured to have an orgasm during partnered sex; others experience performance anxiety around orgasm, whether it is going to happen, when it’s going to happen, or how. Some people feel like they have to rush to it or through it, and all of this can take away from presence, attunement, and overall enjoyment of the experience.
What if we reimagined the whole experience as orgasmic? What if we approached pleasure and arousal as a holistic journey—led by curiosity, compassion, and tenderness?
Today, I’m inviting you—
Whether you’re single or partnered, to explore the art of cumming.
For anyone looking to explore their relationship with pleasure, or wanting to try a fresh approach to orgasm, I’ve put together five simple tools that come in very “handy.”
Like anything worth exploring, the art of pleasure is a practice and a journey. And as always, it’s more about your discovery than a destination.
To aid you on your orgasmic journey, here are 5 tips to enhance pleasure and arousal.
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Use Your Breath
Your breath is one of your most powerful tools for embodiment. Embodiment isn’t just noticing the body, it’s feeling as the body. When you use your breath to move energy throughout your system, you can deepen arousal, heighten sensation, and anchor yourself more fully in the moment.
Try taking slow, deep breaths. Inhale through your nose, exhale through your mouth. As you breathe, imagine energy or white light flowing from the tips of your toes, rising through your entire body, and circulating back down in a continuous loop. You can experiment with syncing your breath with a partner, or playing with a counter-breath rhythm.
Breath is the first step in softening into presence and inviting more pleasure. Notice when you’re holding your breath or tensing up, and gently return to long, steady inhales and exhales. Let your breath lead you back to yourself. Your breath will encourage orgasm to emerge as a whole body experience beyond your genitals.
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Use Your Voice
For some people, it may be difficult to verbalize or talk dirty during sex, and that’s ok. Sighing, moaning, groaning, oohs and ahhs, can be great signs of feedback and also enhance pleasure and arousal for everyone involved. Did you know there is a notable correlation between open vocal cords, a relaxed pelvic floor, and increased sexual pleasure? Both the vocal cords and pelvic floor are controlled by similar neuromuscular systems. When the vocal cords are open, it often leads to a relaxation of the pelvic floor. This relaxation can enhance blood flow, reduce tension, and increase sensitivity, which can intensify sexual pleasure and facilitate orgasm, not to mention it’s hot to hear yourself or your partner turned on!
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Move Your Hips and Body
When you’re near orgasm, moan, arch your back, lift your pelvis, thrust it up and down, curl your toes and fingers, squeeze your PC muscles. Why not play with mimicking or exaggerating your orgasm? I’m not saying put on a show, perform it, or fake it. I’m encouraging you to lean into the pleasure to further encourage orgasm and let your whole body know you’re giving it permission to let go and surrender to its wisdom. Learn to take responsibility for your sexual response patterns, asking, showing, or telling what you want or need from sexual stimulation and then let go. Continue to breathe as you move your hips and body and notice the build up of arousal, using your voice to enhance moments of pleasure or the points leading up to climax.
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Focus on Sensations
The 5 Senses are your path to embodied sensuality. Notice temperature, texture, pressure, what you find attractive about your partner, the scents, the sounds of breathing, moaning, or music. Focus on what is arousing. This helps to encourage presence and also attunement with yourself and your partner. If you find yourself getting distracted, acknowledge that gently, come back to your breath and ground back into temperature, texture, pressure, or any of your 5 senses. Perhaps this is a subtle sign to switch up the activity, position, touch, or type of stimulation. Acknowledge when you might be overstimulated, understimulated, or when you might need to take a break.
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Incorporate Toys
Who says you can’t get creative with some other fun accessories to enhance pleasure? From vibrators, to dildos, to suction and air toys, to butt plugs, to cock rings you name it- make sure and have some lube on hand and again, notice sensations. Take it slow. Start with lower or perhaps less intense settings if the toy vibrates as the clitoris or glans of the penis can be extremely sensitive especially if already stimulated and aroused. Using blindfolds, handcuffs, rope, body safe candles or other forms of sensory stimulation or deprivation can also enhance pleasure and also presence, as we may be experiencing something for the first time, so we’re more likely to be grounded in curiosity and engagement. And, if you have a clitoris, most women require direct or indirect stimulation with a finger, penis, sex toy, or mouth to reach orgasm. So don’t forget to show the clitoris some love and affection!
Of course, focusing on foreplay, using other tools to generate fantasy such as erotica, and renewing permission for pleasure on a regular basis can help one cultivate more pleasure and sex positivity in our lives. And while we know sex isn’t all about orgasm, we also know there are numerous mental, emotional, and physical benefits to having an orgasm by releasing feel-good hormones like dopamine and oxytocin, which reduce stress and promote emotional bonding. Physically, it improves circulation, boosts immune function, and relieves muscle tension. Regular orgasms can also support better sleep, enhance mood, and contribute to overall well-being.
No one should blame or shame themselves if they are struggling to orgasm, or even if you’ve never had an orgasm. Many times, healing shame, self-education, self-exploration, and connecting with your own body can be pathways to unlocking pleasure and orgasm and greater self-awareness.
Are you curious about working with a sex coach or therapist to explore your relationship with pleasure?
Get to know some of the amazing therapists and coaches here at LAST. We’d love to hear from you!
Jamie Azar is former graduate of the Pleasure Psychology and Sexology Certification program, a sex, relationship, and intimacy coach, educator, writer, and mindfulness practitioner based in South Carolina. She offers 1-1 coaching with singles, couples, throuples + to co-create a safe, sex-positive, transformative, liberating, and empowering space that fosters personal and relational growth. She specializes in dismantling limiting beliefs, deconstructing, and destigmatizing harmful narrative constructs, to help clients reframe and redefine their understandings of selfhood, sex, sexuality, and relationships. To work with Jamie go here!