By Jamie Azar, Certified Sex, Relationship, and Intimacy Coach
People often forget that the brain is our biggest sex organ. In fact, many take it for granted. We focus so much on the physical aspects of sex, which, don’t get me wrong, can be sensational and transcendent, but it can also fall flat if we’re not embodied, or if we’re thinking about the laundry, for example. Our imaginations and fantasies are the real fuel for sensuality, sexuality, desire, and longing. They can be primal. Raw. Untamed. Passionate. And really. Fucking. Hot. Yet for many, the erotic imagination remains untapped, repressed, or ignored, or perhaps buried under shame, taboo, or stigma.
Fantasies can be deeply vulnerable; they’re a rich landscape for erotic charge, which is why I’m here today– to give you permission to fantasize! Why not celebrate your erotic imagination and the pleasure and tantalizing excitement your erotic fantasies bring you?
Not only can fantasy be a tool for great sex, but it also reminds us that we are infinitely curious, creative, and sexual beings deserving of dynamic and nuanced pleasure, colored with imagery, lust, and yearning. We deserve to feel good!
So, what exactly IS a sexual fantasy? Is it ok if you fantasize about someone else other than your partner(s) during sex? Do people always want their erotic fantasies to become realities? And how exactly can our fantasies improve our relationships and partnered sex?
What is Sexual Fantasy?
A sexual fantasy is any mental picture that comes to mind while you’re awake that ultimately turns you on. Fantasies are different from unconscious sex dreams- fantasies are the conscious mental thoughts and mental images over which you have conscious control and that generate sexual arousal. Fantasies can last seconds, we can rely on going to “central masturbation fantasies,” or have “one-off” fantasies about someone you saw walking in the street, for example.
Is It Okay to Fantasize About Someone Else During Sex?
A question I’m often asked is: Is it okay to fantasize about someone other than my partner during sex? The short answer? Yes.
Fantasies can be powerful tools to spark erotic energy, deepen arousal, and enhance pleasure during solo and partnered sex. They’re free, accessible, and a natural part of a rich sexual imagination. Fantasizing about someone else doesn’t mean you’re unhappy in your relationship, dissatisfied with your sex life, or secretly longing for something or someone else. Fantasies don’t have to become realities to be pleasurable and mutually enjoyable.
That said, it’s worth getting curious if fantasy becomes a repeated escape from connection, especially if it leads to dissociation during intimacy. In those cases, it might be helpful to explore whether fantasy is fueling pleasure or avoiding presence with your partner.
Ultimately, a vibrant fantasy life can energize your sexuality and bring more excitement into solo and partnered sex. One way to turn up the heat? Start talking about fantasies with your partner(s).
How Do I Share Fantasies with My Partner(s)?
Even though our partners might know us intimately, our fantasies can still feel deeply personal. We might worry they’ll be shocked, surprised, or not understand. And for many, past experiences of shame around desire can make sharing feel risky. That’s why opening up takes practice, trust, and a sense of safety with the other person.
Asking someone point-blank, “What’s your fantasy?” can sometimes feel overwhelming or put pressure on them to perform or reveal something big. A gentler approach can create a more open, nonjudgmental space for connection and curiosity.
Here are a few conversation starters to help you ease into sharing, or discovering each other’s erotic imaginations:
🌈”I’ve been thinking about ways we could deepen our connection… would you be open to sharing fantasies sometime?”
🌈”I read something interesting about couples who share fantasies feeling more connected. Want to try it together?”
🌈”I feel really safe with you, and I’d love to explore some of my desires with you—are you up for a conversation?”
🌈”Is there anything you’ve imagined in your head that you’d love to explore with me, even just in conversation?”
🌈”How would you feel if I shared something a bit vulnerable and personal with you?”
🌈”Let’s each write down a fantasy and swap notes—no pressure to act on them unless we both want to.”
As mentioned, sharing our fantasies with other people can be vulnerable and feelings of safety and trust are essential. No one wants to be judged or shamed along the way. Mutually agreeing on entering into the conversations with non-judgment, curiosity, and acceptance can help create a safe container for the conversation.
Permission to Let Your Imagination Run Wild!
This is your “permission slip” to get creative, curious, and embrace your erotic imagination. The ability to fantasize and conjure up and explore mental images is a uniquely human quality. When we shame or misconstrue fantasy as cheating or even see it as a sign that we aren’t into our partners, we cut ourselves off from our erotic authenticity and potential. Not only that, but they can also be erotic fuel for solo and partnered sex and intimacy.
Don’t let shame police your erotic imagination.
You deserve wild joy, bold pleasure, and the thrill of exploring what turns you on.
So go ahead-
get curious, get playful, and let your desires run a little wild.
Your Title Goes Here
Jamie Azar is former graduate of the Pleasure Psychology and Sexology Certification program, a sex, relationship, and intimacy coach, educator, writer, and mindfulness practitioner based in South Carolina. She offers 1-1 coaching with singles, couples, throuples + to co-create a safe, sex-positive, transformative, liberating, and empowering space that fosters personal and relational growth. She specializes in dismantling limiting beliefs, deconstructing, and destigmatizing harmful narrative constructs, to help clients reframe and redefine their understandings of selfhood, sex, sexuality, and relationships. To work with Jamie go here!