Our romantic relationships face a tremendous amount of pressure–societally, socially, sometimes internally. Whether verbalized or not, there is a permeating idea that your romantic partner has to be your “be-all, end-all,” providing everything you could be seeking in any connection. This is, unsurprisingly, particularly true sexually–romance has sexual expectations, which then lead to expectations of a long term relationship, and so forth and so on.
Fortunately, not only are we capable of restructuring our views on long-term relationships, we have tools available to us to help restructure our existing relationships. Despite perhaps feeling like once you’ve gotten on the “relationship escalator” you can’t get off of it, Moushumi Ghose, MFT suggests that the Relationship Anarchy Smorgasbord can help you navigate this restructuring. A tool in the belt of the polyamorous community, this model encourages a “pick and choose” practice with regards to what elements you want to be a part of your relationship. It is a “choose your own adventure,” so to speak, of building your new structure.
While it can of course be scary–like many important, worthwhile decisions in life–restructuring your long-term relationship actually opens up the possibility that your relationship can continue to flourish, as opposed to necessarily dying because the rigidity to which you’re accustomed is no longer serving you. Just one example of this can be your sexual practices. If sex has become a sore spot in your relationship, try taking it off the table–not seeing it as a default, necessary aspect of your relationship which must be chosen at the smorgasbord. Building your new relationship structure without the sexual component very well may remove pressure you didn’t even realize existed, allowing your relationship to refocus and strengthen once again.
At the end of the day, this model happily acknowledges that there is no “right” structure for everyone, and encourages us all to restructure, as opposed to dismantle, our long term relationships; we don’t have to walk away because one part isn’t working. If you’re not sure where to start, check out Mou’s video below, for more insight on the practice of restructuring, as well as additional ideas for what that can look like for you in your relationship.
Caitlin Oates
Author
New to the LAST team, Caitlin is a writer, creative, and executive assistant with a passion for sex-positivity, LGBTQIA advocacy, and mental health care.
Caitlin earned her bachelor’s degree in communications from Northwestern University, and now flexes those communication muscles teaching medical students humanism skills, coaching athletes in functional fitness, and learning from and working with LAST to promote, amplify, and normalize the importance of sexual and mental health.