It’s the holiday season, and you know what that means–maybe time with friends and family, our favorite treats, grand expectations of “warm, fuzzy feelings,” and for many of us, the boredom of the hometown, which often leaves us scrolling our phones to escape, running through a digital rolodex of strangers on dating apps looking for love, sex, a distraction, or anything and everything in-between. The modern world of dating apps is, as we know, complicated, messy, and frustrating, but whether we like it or not, a great many of us have been there, and find ourselves there during the liminal space that exists during the holidays between our normal lives from one year to the next. Whether we’re on there to fill time, meet friends, have a little fun, or find a lasting connection, the app world hurls similar challenges at us all. Sometimes it’s a problem of never wanting to meet up; ghosting continues to be a hot-button topic; catfishing is a tale as old as time…but another pervasive issue faced by those with a profile is how soon is too soon to start sexting? Culturally we have become more comfortable with the question of physical boundaries, but what about our digital ones? For women, femmes, and AFAB individuals, specifically, when a conversation partner turns the tides toward sexuality sooner, rather than later, it begs the question, is it a red flag?
Now, as always, we know that boundaries are set at a personal level, and you need to get personally clear about where those lines are for you, particularly in conjunction with what it is you’re seeking on the apps. If you’re looking for a relationship, you may be uncomfortable when they bring out the sexy talk a little too soon; but on the flip side of that, you could be seeking casual, consensual fun, and it can still be too soon for you. Being clear with yourself about what you want out of your connection with someone and your comfort with sexting will make it easier for you to determine whether that person and you are aligned in what you want, and could help you communicate your position to them. So whether it’s a “red flag” or not is somewhat of a moving target from person-to-person, based on your own comfort, what you’re looking for, and whether or not you’ve communicated with them about what you’re looking for.
All right, let’s say you are a self-identified sex-positive person–are you being “prude” or dishonest about your sex-positivity if you don’t immediately want to jump into digital bed when the person you’re talking to guides you there? In short, absolutely not. There’s an insidious misperception about people–let’s face it, often women–who are open about and proud of their sexuality, that they necessarily are always down to talk about sex, or “cut to the chase” quickly, or lack any sort of boundaries surrounding when and how they like to get sexual. But being sex-positive has nothing to do with neglecting or lacking boundaries; you are equally entitled to safety and authenticity in how you choose to engage sexually–including in conversation. Moushumi Ghose, LMFT, maintains that being sex positive has everything to do with consent. “Being sex positive means having an open mind and accepting others where they are at, at any given moment…being sex positive means we don’t shame people for their questions, proclivities, desires, curiosities,” or, in other words, their boundaries. In clarifying your own boundaries, you’re actually giving the other person the opportunity to demonstrate their respect and understanding of those lines you’re drawing, or else finding out that they might not be a fit for you if they cannot understand and validate your position.
What if, in a similar vein, the vibe feels right, you’re genuinely connecting with someone, sexting feels organic and natural, but alarm bells are going off for you that the pace of it could mean that the other person wants to keep it permanently casual, when you’re hoping for the opportunity to grow and develop? The fear here is rooted in an archaic prescription of [traditionally] cis, hetero men as pursuers of sex, and women as bestowers of it–the old “why buy the cow?” routine. You know we love to champion our main hero, communication, but there’s good reason! With clear and decisive communication you make your position known, and explicitly request the same. Sure it might come at the expense of terminating the connection, but ultimately you own your sexuality when you can say, I’m enjoying doing this, but I want to make sure we’re both on the same page, and if we’re aren’t, no hard feelings but it’s not for me. It doesn’t have to be an “either/or” situation with sexting, but the only way to determine the path forward is to have the courage of your convictions–and boundaries–and ask the questions you need to ask.
And, of course, what if you’re just not into it yet? You definitely guessed it, but the answer, once again, is to communicate that. It can feel clunky to organically slide it into conversations, but sometimes simple is best. Moushumi suggests “Hey, I like you and I’d love to get to know you first and I may be more open to sexting in the future.” Establishing your boundaries doesn’t have to be harsh or aggressive, or even a red light to sexting in the future. And if someone thinks it is, that is where the flag turns red. Ultimately, getting down digitally is yet another frontier that is entirely unique to each person–how you like to do it, with whom you like to do it, and when you like to do it. Listen to your gut, be clear and honest with yourself about your boundaries, and take courage in knowing that every time you speak up and communicate, you’re getting closer to finding precisely what you’re looking for.
If you’re home for the holidays and swiping away, maybe you could use some more suggestions/language to use when talking about sexting, or would like to read a bit more about this increasingly common dilemma. Click below for additional thoughts on sexting, red flags, and responses to have at the ready!
Caitlin Oates
Author
Doubling as LAST’s practice manager and intake coordinator, Caitlin is a writer and creative with a passion for sex-positivity, LGBTQIA advocacy, and mental health care.
Caitlin earned her bachelor’s degree in communications from Northwestern University, and now flexes those communication muscles by teaching medical students humanism skills, coaching athletes in functional fitness, and learning from and working with LAST to promote, amplify, and normalize the importance of sexual and mental health.