Tantric Sex: How Slowing Things Down Can Heat Things Up

Tantric sex is one of those buzzy expressions that feels like perhaps we might vaguely know what it is/know of it, especially as the mist and mysticism around sexuality in the western world has begun to lift. But like many of our sexy buzzwords, tantra has often become watered down and/or oversimplified, to the exclusion of its deeper, more significant, and connection-focused complexities. 

You may associate it with other keywords such as “breathing” or “slowing” or “energy,” and you would, in part, be correct! Tantric sex is an offshoot of the larger, more expansive practice known as tantra, which Moushumi Ghose, LMFT defines as, “a form of mindful connection and spirituality. The classical tantra practice is rooted in religions such as Hinduism and Buddhism and is a search for spiritual enlightenment and nirvana as a whole. Only one small part focuses on sexuality and in fact is more in line with a spiritual connection or intimacy.” You’ve likely heard of mindfulness, or perhaps have your own meditation or yoga practice–our post from earlier this month focused on yoga practices for deepening the body connection, in fact! Many of the practices in therapy, in your meditation app, or at your yoga studio down the street share a common focus on staying present and exploring the full range of sensations in one’s body–both sexual and otherwise. 

It is important to keep in mind that “sexuality is not the overall goal for classical tantra, it is part of the whole of the spiritual journey.” But! This is a sex therapy group, here to shed light on and foster discussion around all things sex and sexuality, so let’s dive into tantric sex. In today’s world, most people identify tantra as what’s actually known as neo-tantra, and tantric sex, which combines those aspects of Hindu and Buddhist philosophies with modern psychological ideologies and influences from American New Age spirituality. In practice, tantric sex is rooted in a few key concepts/techniques:

Mindfulness – As anyone who has attempted or cultivated a meditation practice knows, it’s allll about maintaining a presence in the here and now–getting and staying out of your head, and really dialing in on whatever physical sensations you’re feeling. While that can initially feel difficult to do (the brain can get buzzy!), according to Ghose, “anyone can get started on a journey to practicing neo or tantric sex. All they need to do is start by practicing mindfulness.” Giving yourself the space to ignore external distractions (or the metaphorical calls coming from inside the house) and direct your energy toward “savoring the moment” can take time, and, luckily, tantric sex is all about taking time. 

Breathing and meditation – And speaking of meditation! Despite the fact that we are talking about sex, tantric sex, specifically, removes the focus on goal-oriented sex [read: orgasm], and/or penetration, and rather aims to “increase sensual and sexual energy, to build more connection to one’s body into one’s partner’s body and to sustain that overtime without feeling into the urges and needs to experience climax.” One of the ways to do that is through learning and employing different breathing techniques! The internet, to be sure, can be an excellent resource for developing a relationship with breathing, and how that can move energy through your and your partner’s bodies. Additionally, for those who are partnered, Ghose also suggests attending “a Tantric workshop together so that you can get some guidance and learn how to do this.” In terms of positions that facilitate this, she also suggests “practicing breathing together while clothed,” which can be another great way to slow things down, make space for connection, and “experience sensuality and embrace our bodies in a more connected way than just focusing on penetrative sex.”

Taking it Slow and Building Connection – Perhaps you’ve gathered at this point, but tantric sex is all about lengthening the process, slowing it down, and connecting with your partner at a deeper, heightened level. Which makes all the more sense when you consider Ghose’s point that it likewise “takes time and effort to undo some of the gratification-oriented sex practices of our western world.” Somatic exercises/work can be a great way to integrate the body-brain connection with your partner–for more information on that, click here for helpful info from Ghose!

Exploring your partner’s body in a way that isn’t necessarily erogenous or overtly sexual–savoring it, enjoying it, taking it in–and overall delaying sexual stimulation can all be ways to indulge this slow build. Ghose also suggests things like “sitting still together while looking into each other’s eyes…touching practices that don’t lead to intercourse. Anything that slows down the process is great!” This exchange of energy and openness helps foster an emotional intimacy and vulnerability between you and your partner that transcends the physical, while also sowing the seeds for more profound physical connection as well. 

At the end of the day, when looking to explore tantric sex, letting go of expectations/goals, staying present, and giving yourself the permission to be slow and curious with your time and your touching can help unlock new levels of intimacy with your partner(s), and, ultimately, can lead to more intense and delicious pleasure. 

Despite how complex or heady it may sound, all you really need to get started with tantric sex is a willingness to slow down and be open! Enjoy yourself, your partner, and the process. For more information and resources, head to the link below!