How Trauma Can Teach Us to Bargain With Harm—and Let It Go On Too Long
There’s a moment, after betrayal, after harm, where something inside us scrambles to make sense of what just happened.
It doesn’t always come out as rage or retreat.
Sometimes, it shows up as a performance.
We try to be “better.”
We apologize for our tone.
We try to prove our worthiness of love, or forgiveness, or simply a place to stay.
We bargain—If I change, will you stop hurting me?
We engage in The Dance.
This isn’t because we’re weak.
It’s because we’ve been wired for survival.
People-pleasing, self-blame, minimizing our needs—these aren’t random behaviors.
They’re protective strategies.
Especially for those of us who’ve experienced childhood trauma, abandonment, or emotional neglect, The Dance can feel like the only way to hold onto love, safety, or belonging.
But here’s the thing:
The more we twist ourselves into shapes to avoid conflict or soothe the one who harmed us, the more we accidentally reinforce a dangerous message:
You don’t need to change. I’ll change enough for both of us.
And while none of this is the victim’s fault, it is a pattern worth naming—because it’s a pattern that keeps abuse in motion.
It’s a survival instinct that, left unexamined, can make healing that much harder.
This is not victim-blaming.
This is calling out the quiet, painful choreography we often learn in the aftermath of trauma—and gently asking:
What would it take to stop dancing?
But even naming The Dance doesn’t mean we have to leap off the floor right away.
In fact, sometimes it’s not the right time to leave.
When your nervous system is flooded—stuck in fight, flight, freeze, or fawn—it can be hard to access clarity, safety, or the resources you need to make a clean break.
Trauma scrambles our internal compass.
What looks like “staying too long” from the outside is often a very intelligent survival decision from within.
The truth is: your body will tell you when it’s time to go.
When safety becomes more accessible than danger.
When clarity outweighs confusion.
When your system is regulated enough to say: No more.
Until then, kindness is key.
Not just toward others—but toward yourself.
Especially the parts of you still dancing.
Mou (pronounced Mo) is licensed sex therapist, sex-positive advocate and the creator of Los Angeles Sex Therapy (LAST Collective) as well as the Pleasure Psychology Sexology Training & Coaching Certification.
Mou’s passion is around advocacy and change by breaking down barriers for better relationships and sex. Mou specializes in couples sex therapy that is trauma informed with an emphasis on emotion focused and somatic work and which integrates other modalities as needed which are tailored to her clients needs. She has extensive experience both personal and professional with LGBTQIA, Kink, Ethical Consensual Non Monogamy (ENM/CNM), Polyamory, BIPOC.
She is the author of several books, has appeared in the media and numerous publications. She is the creator of a documentary film series Temple and Brothels undoing harmful messages around sex, and sexuality.
www.moushumighose.com