Assuming monogamy can be a detrimental way to start off your relationship. In my experience, the first thing we should remember and commit to understanding is that a long term relationship, arrangement or marriage is a choice, a commitment one makes not just to their partner, but also to themselves to adhere to the rules and guidelines of the relationships as is determined by the couple together.
People go into a long-term situation for various reasons. The most common of these reasons is because they feel attracted to, and connected to the individual they choose as their long-term partner, and have a desire to be with them long term. This is not to say that each individual will want to follow the rules set forth by everyone else, nor is it to say that the rules will stay the same throughout the duration of the relationship.
The rules need to be discussed and agreed up by each partner, and should be revisited often and regularly. The rules should never just be assumed.
What rules am I referring to here? Specifically monogamy. The rule of monogamy is simple and universal, for the most part: You stay sexually, physically and emotionally faithful, to one person. Monogamy is the norm in our society, true, but there has been some evidence to suggest that as human primates we are not necessarily monogamous by nature. Unfortunately, from early in the dating game many people blindly go into a long-term situation with an assumption of monogamy, assuming their role and their partner’s role are both that which is dictated by the monogamous frame.
Here in lies the problem. We should never assume our partner is monogamous, nor that our relationship is mutually exclusive. We should definitely talk about.
In fact, if we are not necessarily monogamous by nature, then an assumptive role of monogamy can be detrimental. Why? Mainly because it doesn’t hold each individual party in the relationship accountable for a decision or choice they made consciously.
Moushumi Ghose, LMFT is a renowned sex and relationship expert, author, licensed therapist, musicmaker and filmmaker. Her passion is around advocacy and focuses on educating and breaking down barriers to healthy sexuality by dispelling myths which cause shame and harm. She has appeared in the media numerous times. Moushumi is the founder of TRUST Relationship Center and Los Angeles Sex Therapy.