Very often–some might say perhaps a little too often–the predominant focus in sex and sexuality is achieving (and completing…) orgasm. The drive to come is strong, and there is an endless font of resources available to those on that journey. But what about the other side of that coin? What if the point can be to not come at all? Let us introduce you to: orgasm denial. Orgasm denial in general is a form of BDSM power play in which the dominant partner titularly denies the submissive partner orgasm, bringing them right to the point of no return, and then shutting it down before orgasm is reached–all build-up, and intentionally no release. Female orgasm denial, as you can probably guess, specifically refers to women and AFAB submissives.
If the kind of play we’re talking about sounds familiar, you may have heard of or engaged in edging, which employs a similar technique of bringing your partner just to the edge of orgasm, and then backing off, which can be repeated. However, the difference lies in the outcome–with the practice of edging, the intention is that your partner will be allowed to orgasm; that the job will not be left undone. With denial, however, the intended outcome is the denial–in other words, you don’t get to come at all. With edging, there is the eventual promise of an orgasm light at the end of the proverbial tunnel, versus the outright denial of that release entirely.
While the denial may sound at first to be cruel or pointless, when done with enthusiastic consent, it can amplify and intensify orgasms when they do happen, and “actually can build longing and connection, intimacy, trust, excitement and more…” says Moushumi Ghose, MFT. The trust necessary to engage in such a way can further strengthen the bond and connection between dominant and submissive partners. And let’s not forget the inherent power exchange at play with orgasm denial, which in and of itself can be an enormous turn-on and very erotic for many people. Not only that, but handing over the power of one’s orgasm to another is a fairly pure and simple practice of a d/s dynamic. If you’re still unconvinced of its pleasurable potential, according to Ghose it’s connected to more profound, full-body orgasmic experiences; “people may experience more desire, stronger lubrication, more hunger and passion, and more intense orgasms—when orgasms do happen,” she explains. That’s quite a lot to explore! So where to start?
- Education–Always a great place to start, educating yourself about orgasm denial can go a long way! Classes are available, either in-person or online, or even “taking workshops at your local dungeon, if you are in a big city, is a great place to start,” Ghose suggests.
- DIY–Trying it out with yourself is a great way to feel it out and ease into it before introducing it with partners.
- Take Your Time–Patience, patience, patience! It can be challenging to get the hang of it, so cut yourself some slack while you learn.
- Set Boundaries Beforehand–A great rule of thumb for any sexual scenario is to set your intentions and clarify your boundaries before getting into it.
- Plan your Aftercare–Again, a great practice to have after any sexual encounter, aftercare particularly helps the come-down and recalibration after intense d/s scenes.
If the idea of orgasm denial sounds compelling, you should keep reading! For a more in-depth look at it, as well as more info about the steps you can follow to start exploring, click the link below:
Caitlin Oates
Author
Doubling as LAST’s practice manager and intake coordinator, Caitlin is a writer and creative with a passion for sex-positivity, LGBTQIA advocacy, and mental health care.
Caitlin earned her bachelor’s degree in communications from Northwestern University, and now flexes those communication muscles by teaching medical students humanism skills, coaching athletes in functional fitness, and learning from and working with LAST to promote, amplify, and normalize the importance of sexual and mental health.