“Veto Power” and Why It May Not Serve Your Relationship

“Veto power”–if you haven’t heard the term since 9th grade U.S. Government class, we’ve got a new definition for you, and this one comes with some potentially messier complications. While you may be familiar with CNM (consensually non-monogamous)/ENM (ethically non-monogamous) relationships, you may be less familiar with the designation of hierarchical ENM/CNM relationships, in which there is a primary relationship, and beyond that the other relationships outside of it are secondary, tertiary, and so forth–continuing indefinitely, potentially. To that end, “veto power” is essentially the agreement within these hierarchical CNM relationships that any partner in the primary relationship can say “no” to one another’s new or other partners. 

Often, this practice is introduced or desired when previously monogamous relationships are looking to open up and explore consensually non-monogamous practices. It can feel safer, in a way, to navigate the change while still feeling like you and your partner are one another’s priority. However, it can have very mixed results. Let’s start with the positives: 

To be used ethically, everyone must be aware of it, understand how it works for the primary partners, and agree to it. When employed this way, veto power can be a way of identifying and addressing concerns when relationships are becoming problematic–a “safeword” of CNM, if you will. 

On the flipside, however, veto power can be utilized as a way to maintain “control” over the other partner; to assert that above all else, you are the partner that matters the most, and have a certain amount of control over or input on the other’s bodies and/or emotions.This is essentially born of a need to hold onto the socially endorsed monogamous standard/lifestyle, which dictates that the “correct” way to navigate relationships is prioritizing one partner. As stated above, this can happen when relationships are transitioning from monogamous, to exploring a more open practice. Essentially, the question of “veto power” being ethical at all is a divisive topic in the CNM community–whether the existence of hierarchical CNM relationships altogether is ethical or not. 

Dovetailing with that question, veto power can potentially be seen as a way to gloss over and quick-fix larger problems within that relationship–namely the discomfort and challenging emotions that are bound to surface when practicing ENM. “Veto power is extremely problematic because it creates a power imbalance, essentially. The biggest threat is that one person can close an open relationship simply because of uncomfortable feelings,” says Moushumi Ghose, LMFT. It can be an avoidance tactic against facing and working through those feelings with open communication and acknowledgement of their existence. 

So, what to do if your partner asks for veto power? You want to start with nuance, empathy, and curiosity–cornerstones of healthy communication, generally. The more you (and your partner!) can learn to handle and address the difficult feelings/emotions you encounter, the less you or they may feel that need for veto power. The need for security may be fulfilled by being specific about the authentic ways you and your partner can make each other feel that way–a positive add to your relationship, in a way, as opposed to a subtraction, or removal of agency, that a veto power can mean.

To dive deeper into potential concerns with, as well as benefits to, veto power, and how to tackle the topic with your partner(s), check out the link below. Before doing so, it is worth noting, also, from Mou: 

“Veto power is actually a little bit more nuanced than this article talks about (this article focuses specifically on non-monogamous partners of partners) essentially Veto power creates a power imbalance in all relationships not just non-monogamous ones. I focus a lot of my work on non-monogamous relationships because those ideas, theories, and guidelines work really well in ALL relationships and partnerships, non-monogamous or not. So this post is for everyone who is in any kind of relationship. When one partner tells the other partner, “no, I don’t want to do this” about anything, it should not be a final, written in stone declaration. All relationships are give and take, and built on healthy negotiations. As fully formed adults who can give consent we should always have a say in what kind of rules in our relationships we would like to adhere to. It should never be a given. It should never be assumed, and it should never be dictated by someone else. Those types of blanket power and control in relationships never work well.”

To read additional thoughts, click below!