What is Monogamish?

You’ve heard us talk at length about monogamy and polyamory, and the variety of challenges, adventures, and sometimes conflicts that arise within the contexts of exploring either of these two relationship dynamics. Given that ethical or consensual non-monogamy realistically is more of an umbrella term, encompassing a wide variety of practices, let’s go ahead and throw another one your way: monogamish. 

Coined by well-known sex columnist Dan Savage, the term refers to couples who by-and-large maintain a monogamous relationship, but with the exception of some degree of sexual openness with others outside of their relationship–often together. Typically, emotionally and relationally they are monogamous with one another, and the “ish” describes the sexual wiggle room they explore with other people. “There are a million and one ways to practice non-monogamy, and monogamish centers monogamy with a side of adventure, depending on what feels right in the moment,” says Moushumi Ghose, LMFT.

That said, what does a monogamish relationship look like? Essentially, monogamy remains the central structure of a relationship between two people, and they adhere to most monogamous norms, with the exception of sex and sexual play.  What, then, separates a monogamish structure from other non-monogamous relationships? Non-mongamy, as mentioned above, really is an umbrella term with a wide scope of relationship dynamics, and includes those who consider themselves monogamish. However, open relationships or those who consider themselves fully invested in the practice of CNM tend to have room for broader exploration, not limited to just the sexual aspect of their connections, and place great emphasis on autonomy in forming and developing other connections. “Many monogamish folks are dipping a toe in non-monogamy,” Ghose says. “They are not ready to call themselves polyamorous or to embrace a full-on open relationship lifestyle, but they are curious and adventurous.” Regardless of which camp you fall into–or rather, where you happen to be standing under the non-monogamy umbrella–at the end of the day it really is up to you and your partner where and what your boundaries are in navigating your exploration and adventure.

In monogamish relationships, the actual practice of it comes down to a matter of context. If one partner is out of town, for example, partners may be free to have sex with people outside of their relationship, but return to being exclusive with one another upon returning. Another context may be sex parties–couples may be free to explore sexually together or with others while attending a sex party. Similarly, group sex at all could be the preferred context; floating around out there is more than one app designed to help connect couples with “guest stars” with whom they may want to play and explore. Apps and parties also exist for “swinging,” where couples swap partners. All these are examples of specific, but varied, contexts in which monogamish play happens. 

If you/you and your partner are curious about dipping your toes in monogamish waters, where to start? As usual, we come armed with some expert suggestions for taking those first steps:

1. Clarify definitions – you may think you’re on the same page, but it pays dividends to have and continue having explicit conversations about what monogamish means to you both, and the terminology surrounding it.
2. Read up! – there are a plethora of materials out there that you and your partner can read together to help determine if it’s something you’d like to explore. Knowledge is power! And sometimes inspiration
3. Fantasy before execution – before involving other, very real, people, it can be fun and enlightening to spend some time imagining what sexual play with others would look like for you both. According to Ghose, it’s also not a bad idea to get into the heavier topics, not just the fantasies, to “try to make some solid agreements for potential hazards for your relationship before making a concrete plan [to open up].” 
4. Establish short-term agreements – you don’t have to come out the gate with a be-all, end-all arrangement; as with step #1, continued discussions, check-ins, and clarifications will help you take it one step at a time, and maintain flexibility as you go.
5. Work with a sex therapist – listen, we might be biased here, but working with a professional sex therapist or sex coach, especially someone specializing in non-monogamy, can do wonders to strengthen and inform your communication around monogamish exploration, and give you tools to tackle the stickier conversations and feelings that may come up down the line. If you haven’t yet, you can check out LAST’s amazing therapists and coaches here, who are ready and excited to schedule your initial consultation and begin work on this journey with you!

To help figure out if a monogamish relationship could be your style, head to the link below and read more about questions to ask yourself, and the steps you might consider following. And remember, as always, it is YOUR relationship, and you get to decide what that looks like, and what your adventures will be. Happy exploring!