By Moushumi Ghose LMFT
Recently I was asked to respond to a reader question about cheating, masturbation, arousal and erections….
and it reminded me of something that we don’t talk about enough:
How, often, arousal—can feel like a performance.
when it is not just about desire.
it’s about being “good at sex,”
about proving something,
about making sure your body does what it’s supposed to do.
And when it doesn’t?
Shame, confusion, avoidance, silence, disconnection.
Here’s the thing:
if you’re able to get aroused on your own,
but not with your partner,
that’s not just a mechanical issue—
it could be a message.
Your body may be telling you something important.
It might be about emotional safety.
It might be about pressure.
It might be about fear of not measuring up.
Often, what’s happening underneath is a deeper psychological conflict—one that gets missed when we only focus on erections and arousal as physical.
Maybe you feel inadequate next to your partner.
Maybe you’re afraid of being judged or rejected.
Maybe you’ve put them on such a high pedestal that you don’t feel worthy of intimacy with them.
These are common dynamics—and they can completely short-circuit arousal, desire, connection.
In many ways, arousal issues are a form of imposter syndrome showing up in the bedroom.
When sex becomes a test instead of an experience, desire can shut down.
This is where therapy or coaching can be powerful. Working with someone—individually and as a couple—can help you unpack the emotional weight you’re carrying, learn to access safety again, and rebuild trust in your body and in the relationship.
And, here’s the good news: you don’t have to stay stuck there. With compassion, curiosity, and the right support, you can start rewriting the story.
You can shift sex from performance to presence.
And you can build a connection that’s rooted not in pressure—but in real intimacy.
Because arousal isn’t something you prove.
It’s something you feel.
When it’s safe enough to show up.
And, here’s the Slate column, written and answered by Jessica Stoya:
Our sex therapists are standing by to help guide you out of performative, obligatory sex towards something more aligned with you. We look forward to working with you.
Mou (pronounced Mo) is licensed sex therapist, sex-positive advocate and the creator of Los Angeles Sex Therapy (LAST Collective) as well as the Pleasure Psychology Sexology Training & Coaching Certification.
Mou’s passion is around advocacy and change by breaking down barriers for better relationships and sex. Mou specializes in couples sex therapy that is trauma informed with an emphasis on emotion focused and somatic work and which integrates other modalities as needed which are tailored to her clients needs. She has extensive experience both personal and professional with LGBTQIA, Kink, Ethical Consensual Non Monogamy (ENM/CNM), Polyamory, BIPOC.
She is the author of several books, has appeared in the media and numerous publications. She is the creator of a documentary film series Temple and Brothels undoing harmful messages around sex, and sexuality.
www.moushumighose.com