When we engage in any kind of relationship, it always starts with a choice; we make decisions and then stand by them, and make subsequent choices which support that first one. As you probably know by now, we at LAST tend to encourage everyone to get away from the mentality that monogamy is a “default” setting, which society tends to aggressively push. If you choose monogamy, it stands to reason that you could also choose polyamory. Whether you’ve always felt more inclined toward a more open relationship structure, or you’re newly interested in exploring this path or type of relationship, there are 5 essential questions you should be asking yourself and–spoiler alert–they aren’t no-brainers. But getting real with yourself and your partner(s) about your answers to these could help you make the best, most worthwhile choice for your romantic life–one way or the other.
The 5 questions boil down to:
- What do you want your polyamorous relationship to look like?
- What is your motivation for doing this?
- Do you get jealous?
- Are you possessive?
- Are you willing to engage in complete honesty?
Because in polyamory, there tends to be less rigidity and more fluidity, it is important to remember that guidelines and practices can change and evolve over time, but these questions are an important starting point. Moushumi Ghose, MFT, says that “there are all kinds and combinations of polyamorous relationships” and “many labels for such things,” so she herself prefers “to not use the labels, as sexuality and relationships are best when seen as fluid, and ever-changing.” Having a starting notion, however, of what your “ideal” relationship looks like makes it easier to set and meet expectations. Expectations can also be dictated by your motivations, and therefore this particular question needs careful examination–why are you considering this lifestyle? At the end of the day, these questions require of you the same radical honesty you need to carry into successful relationships–particularly those of the polyamorous variety. And not just honesty with your partner(s), but honesty with yourself–if you are, in fact, prone to jealousy or possessiveness, can you acknowledge that in yourself as you work through answering these questions? If you’re seeking this lifestyle as a means to “fix” your struggling monogamous relationship, is that a truth you’re willing to see?
To dive further into these 5 questions, and better understand how the answers could help you determine if the time is right for you to pursue polyamory, click the link below to learn more from Moushumi Ghose and other experts.
Caitlin Oates
Author
Doubling as LAST’s practice manager and intake coordinator, Caitlin is a writer and creative with a passion for sex-positivity, LGBTQIA advocacy, and mental health care.
Caitlin earned her bachelor’s degree in communications from Northwestern University, and now flexes those communication muscles by teaching medical students humanism skills, coaching athletes in functional fitness, and learning from and working with LAST to promote, amplify, and normalize the importance of sexual and mental health.