Polycular Science 101: What is a Polycule?

A polycule describes the intra-relationship network amongst polyamorous relationships and how they function and relate to one another. As you can probably tell, it’s the conjunction of “poly” and “molecule” and is aptly named when you consider the bonds and relationships of atoms within a molecule to one another. When there are multiple intimate/romantic relationships at play, everyone is connected, creating a different constellation of dynamics. This differs from the practice of open relationships in that the emphasis is on those intimate connections, as opposed to sexual interactions. 

And just like in science, there are no strictures on the size or complexity of a polycule–however small and simple, or however large and intricate. The roles everyone has within a polycule can also shift–an ebb and flow of how connected you may be to the others in your polycule, who may not be your direct relationships. 

Structures

A polycule can take many different shapes, and there is incredible diversity to what those webs can look like. Let’s discuss some of the more common structures:

• V structure–One person is connected to two individually, but those two don’t have the same connection to one another. “W” and “N” have a similar structure–each line romantically connects two people directly, and those who are not connected by lines are not in a romantic relationship with one another. The person who is connected to two people who are not dating is called the “hinge.” 
• Throuples/triads, and quads–There is no limitation to this structure either, but these terms describe three or four people (respectively) who are all involved in a relationship together, romantically involved with everyone in the group. Sometimes, these are closed relationships, but sometimes these structures are open, in which outside partners–either romantically or sexually–may be acceptable. 
• Comet Partners–These are partners that don’t see each other at regular intervals or necessarily have consistent contact in order to be maintained; sometimes the timing is predictable (e.g. when everyone is back in town for a holiday every year), and sometimes is less regular (e.g. if someone is in town for work comet partners will connect). 
• Platonic Polycules–And sometimes, a polycule doesn’t even have to be romantic. Some groups may be intimately connected, like a network, but without the romantic aspect of their connections. “The idea is that they are part of a system that exists and relies on each other,” says Moushumi Ghose, MFT.

Useful Terms for the Functioning of Polycules

The idea of “hierarchies” is just one practice of a structure within CNM relationships, and is often hotly debated within the polyamory community. While some think hierarchies are outdated, some people do feel it’s helpful to have a sense of primary, secondary, etc. partners, and an organization to the structure, as with the V polycule, where the hinge is understood as the primary connecting link to the other parties. “Nesting partners” can be a term used to describe partners who share a home/lives, without deeming them as “primary” partners, in order to establish that their other partners hold and share the same value and priority. Basically, hierarchies can be practiced ethically, so long as all parties are consenting, aware of the power dynamics involved, and willing to negotiate what that means for “secondary” (tertiary, etc) partners. Transparency is paramount to successful relationships, and it’s doubly true for those negotiating boundaries and dynamics within polycules. 

We’ve talked at length about how important it is to get on the same page with another person in ANY relationship–with one, two, or more people. And it stands to reason that entering into a relationship structure involving and connected to more than one partner means that much more communication. Do you want to meet your partner’s partners (metamours)? Do you want relationships with others in the polycule (e.g. your partner’s partners’ partners, teleamours)? Do you want to know about other partners but not interact? In parallel polyamory polycule members’ partners intentionally do not have contact or interact. Plenty of experts, however, feel that fostering some degree of closeness with those metamours helps keep harmony and effective functioning. Ghose says that ‘getting to know your metamor is a big part of polyamory. And it can be a very difficult journey for many people who are new to this lifestyle…the idea is that everyone gets to know each other, everything is out in the open, it’s all on the up and up.’ ”

This might start to feel a little bit like a vocab lesson, but try to stay with us! If you haven’t heard of compersion, it’s a good term to have when talking about polyamory. It is essentially the opposite of jealousy, and indicates instead a feeling of loving your partner for yourself, and loving the act of sharing them. It can coexist with confusion and insecurity, and can be freeing to feel a relief that you don’t have to be the be-all, end-all to your partner when it comes to meeting their needs and bringing them joy. It’s not unrelated to feeling genuinely happy when friends or partners find something that they love, or are feeling particularly happy about something.

5 Tips from the Experts

And, as always, if you’re nervous or confused about embarking on the adventure of polyamory, we’ve got some tips/advice for starting or joining a polycule.

1. Determine whether or not it’s something that you want–This step speaks for itself a bit. You really need to be honest with yourself and your partner(s) about what you want it to look like, boundaries you have, etc.
2. Get to know your potential polycule–When joining an established polycule, Ghose suggests that you “try to get to know all of the members genuinely while also taking into consideration what it means for you…Take your time, go slow, check in with yourself and with your feelings, because joining a polycule is a nuanced endeavor.”
3. Allow its formation organically–Rigid ideas of how your polycule should look doesn’t allow for individual needs, desires, and autonomy; hearkening back to what was said earlier, there is an ebb and flow that needs to be considered.
4. Communicate, and then do it again, and then again–Despite the sexy reputation for being all about sex, polyamory is successful because of, and dependent upon, an abundance of communication.
5. Get clear on the difference between responsibility and entitlement–When partners share more responsibilities than others, tensions can rise if it gets conflated with entitlement over other romantic relationships.

To expand on these steps, and to check out some resources for the polycul-ious (see what I did there), head to the link below. Whatever form your relationships take, there is support and community for you! You can also check out LAST’s NEW Consensual Non-monogamy support group, meeting virtually, every other Thursday beginning February 8th! Led by Moushumi; Kelly Jones, LMFT; and Melissa and Wayne LeSane, founders of Shades of Non-Monogamy, it’s an opportunity to come together with real experts to talk about your experiences, ask questions, and get connected. Additional details can be found on our events page. See you there!