By Jamie Azar, Sex, Relationship, and Intimacy Coach
You’ve probably heard that establishing agreements is one of the most important foundations of a relationship, regardless of structure or style. And while this conversation often shows up in nonmonogamous spaces, it’s just as relevant everywhere else.
Here’s the thing, monogamy is the default. In many ways, it’s compulsory. It’s embedded into the fabric of society. The nuclear family as we know it was shaped by systems rooted in agriculture, colonization, patriarchy, and property ownership, where wives were positioned under husbands. That context still echoes in how relationships are structured and understood today.
For those practicing nonmonogamy, there often isn’t a prewritten script to follow. There’s more room, and sometimes more necessity, for co-creation. But even within monogamy, especially when approached with intention, agreements matter.
So, what are agreements?
Agreements are the values, actions, and parameters of a relationship that are mutually consented to. They create the foundation, the framework, and the signposts for how a relationship functions.
And yet, many people find themselves operating from rules instead of agreements, often without realizing it.
Rules in Relationships
They tend to shut down communication and limit agency. Often, they are rooted in fear or insecurity, which then shows up as control or restriction.
Example of a rule:
“You’re not allowed to go out with your friends without me.”
Rules are not collaborative. They are not co-created. They usually reflect one person’s preferences rather than a shared decision, which can create tension, disconnection, and resentment in the relationship.
Agreements in Relationships
They come from open, honest communication and are designed to support everyone involved. They are one of the strongest predictors of healthy communication and relationship satisfaction.
Agreements are rooted in curiosity, dialogue, and mutual respect. You are negotiating, not demanding.
Example of an agreement:
“Are you open to checking in with each other before making weekend plans so we can protect our time together?”
“Yes, that works for me.”
An agreement is not one partner going along with something to avoid conflict. It requires a genuine yes from everyone involved. That might take multiple conversations, negotiation, compromise, or revisiting the agreement over time.
Agreements are flexible. They evolve. They are built by honoring each person’s needs, voice, and perspective.
How to Create Relationship Agreements
Get clear on your needs and your desires. Your needs are what matter most. Your desires are how you’d like those needs to be met. Ask yourself why these needs are important so you can communicate them clearly.
Communicate with intention
Choose a time that works for both of you. Invite your partner or partners into a conversation. Use I statements.
“I feel…”
“I need…”
“What are your thoughts?”
Get curious about each other
Ask questions. What does your partner need to feel safe, secure, and autonomous? What matters to them? How can you support each other in meeting those needs?
Make it ongoing
Agreements are not one and done. Plan regular check-ins. Revisit, revise, and adjust as needed. Relationships change, and your agreements can too.
Honor what you create together
Some people like to write their agreements down. Others rely on mutual trust and accountability. What matters is that what you’ve co-created is respected and upheld.
It’s never too late to create, revisit, or revise your relationship agreements.
So many societal scripts run quietly in the background of our relationships. It’s worth asking, which ones am I following without question? What needs to be revisited? Am I operating from rules or from agreements?
And most importantly, how can I bring more collaboration, intention, and clarity into the way I relate?
Jamie Azar is former graduate of the Pleasure Psychology and Sexology Certification program, a sex, relationship, and intimacy coach, educator, writer, and mindfulness practitioner based in South Carolina. She offers 1-1 coaching with singles, couples, throuples + to co-create a safe, sex-positive, transformative, liberating, and empowering space that fosters personal and relational growth. She specializes in dismantling limiting beliefs, deconstructing, and destigmatizing harmful narrative constructs, to help clients reframe and redefine their understandings of selfhood, sex, sexuality, and relationships. To work with Jamie go here!