3 Helpful Ways to Improve Your Sex Life 💫

3 Helpful Reframes to Improve Your Sex Life 💫 by Jamie Azar, Certified Sex Coach

If I asked you to define great sex in three words, what would they be? It may take some thought. Discovering your joy and body’s pleasure is your own individual journey, so I can’t define it for you. However, as a sex, relationship, and intimacy coach, I can share some of the barriers to pleasure, and some helpful reframes to cultivate more interest and curiosity in embracing your pleasure and distinct erotic expression.

#1: Pressure

Not many people generally like to feel pressured to have sex, to orgasm, to perform, to adhere to a certain ideal or expectation, social script, or some other way of having sex that really just doesn’t serve them. In fact, you don’t even have to have sex at all if you don’t want to. Pressure is the antithesis to pleasure.  But if you are interested in having more sex you can…

Instead #1 Think of sex as PLAY! 

Play is any activity that is more important than the outcome. It’s about taking the “scenic route” and enjoying the sensational journey of your erotic creativity, imagination, and fantasies. Yes, this takes courage to express you desires and unique sexy self in a way that feels pleasurable to you. I give you permission to get weird- no one is watching!  Whether it’s reinventing a childhood game like “Simon Says,” “Red light, Green Light,” or “Hide and go Freak,” the possibilities are endless!

#2 Predictability

Let’s face it, whether it’s time constraints, the responsibilities of parenting, or simply just falling back into unspoken agreements of your sex life with your partner or spouse (having sex at the same times, places, positions, following the same sequence of events- this happens!!) sometimes sex can feel a little…predictable? “Boring.” This may not even create a motivation or desire to have sex (again SEX is not mandatory or compulsory- I celebrate you having as much or as little as sex as you want when you want, how you want, or don’t want. There is space for everything here). ❤️

Instead #2 Novelty builds eroticism

Interrupt tendencies of feeling like roommates with novelty. I’m not saying that trying a new toy, lube, position, or technique will solve all of your sexual and relational issues. It won’t. However, just as we may encourage ourselves to travel, try new food, learn a new hobby, it can be exciting and exhilarating to try something new given both people are consenting and glad to be there! You might consider adding some light bondage. Into theatrics? Try out some role play. Feeling like grounding into your body? Try temperature play, sensation play, water play, try a new toy. Make it a ritual to have conversations about the type of sex you want to have! Try Yes/No/Maybe Lists, an activity designed to help you explore your sexual interests and curiosities, and a great way to brainstorm new ideas (Google “Yes No Maybe List” to find one that fits your fancy!)

#3: Having a Limited Definition of Sex

If you define sex based on penetration, you may have a limited definition of sex. We have many erogenous zones on our body, not to mention, we have our brain, our most important sex organ. Are you engaging your mind as well as your body? What pieces of you feel dormant or left out of your current relationship or sex life? Are there ways you can become more expansive in your understanding or definition of sex?

Instead #3 Sex exists beyond genitalia and penetration!

Trying focusing on how you want to FEEL before, during, and after sex instead of what you are going to DO. That can come later. Do you want to feel relaxed, calm, cherished, empowered, stimulated, silly, connected, dominated, praised, humiliated, dominant? Again, this will change depending on how you’re feeling. Our tastes and preferences, kinks and “Yums” can change over time as well. Communication is key, and frankly, an underrated form of foreplay. Sex isn’t a performance, it’s an experience and a form of expression. Yes, it is vulnerable to be seen, perhaps even unconventionally, but that is indeed the beauty of uncovering the beautiful layers of our sexual creativity and erotic expression.

Did you enjoy this article? Feel free to follow me on Instagram @eroticexpressionsedu or schedule a private consultation. I’d love to speak with you or connect you with one of our amazing therapists and coaches at LAST!