Not Always Merry and Bright: Surviving and Thriving During a Not-So-Happy Holiday Season 

Despite what social media, entertainment, family, and of course the rampant and unbridled commercialism might lead you to believe, the holiday season can be an acutely painful and difficult time. As much as it can cast everyone in a warm glow of good will, it can likewise throw everything into sharp relief; a time often used for reflection can feel sour and distressing to many people, particularly when the reflection is that of trauma, strained familial relations, or a heightened awareness of disconnection from others. 

First, let’s just take a moment to acknowledge that however you feel about the holidays is valid and fair, and moreover, that you are not alone in feeling that way. It is extremely common to feel this way during a time that can seem almost hell-bent on forcing cheer and merriment. I myself often feel the vice grip of the season pressuring me to feel the “right way” during this time; am I celebrating hard enough? Acting cheerful enough? Am I being graceful enough with my family—compassionate enough toward others, forgiving enough of the slights against me because “tis the season”? If that speaks to you, I’d like to remind you that every one of those things can also be applied to you, yourself. Are you celebrating yourself enough? Are you having grace and compassion for yourself? Respecting your own need to be treated gently and with empathy? When the holidays are a difficult time for a variety of reasons, how can you refocus on your own self-care practices, and make self-love the ~reason for the season~?

Some LAST therapists and coaches have their insights to share, whatever it is you’re sitting with or going through this month! 

Loneliness

Loneliness is a dark specter that looms over the holidays for many. Whether going through a breakup, experiencing a social lull, having suffered a loss recently or at this time of year, it can come upon us in many forms. Instead of trying to suppress those feelings, or brush them aside, LAST sex therapist Vanessa Icazbalceta-Soto, LPCC encourages you to “acknowledge the emotion of loneliness or isolation and radically accept your current feelings.” Kiri White, sex and relationship coach, says that she herself has experienced loneliness feeling “so overwhelming” and when that happens, she finds support in “allowing myself to cry, gently stroking my arms and humming, and speaking kind, loving words to myself in a gentle tone. These are all things that can provide nervous system support and communicate safety to your brain and body.”

If you find yourself in such a situation, and wanting to experience some closeness with others, “initiate one action or event that involves connecting with other people,” suggests Jamie Azar, sex and relationship coach. If you are a city dweller, cities can exacerbate that feeling, however, they are also full of opportunities to connect with other individuals in the same position, if you seek them out. Vanessa suggests “exploring volunteering options,” or “joining an online support group.” Consider, also, something like: “a restaurant near me is hosting a sushi rolling class for the community on Xmas day for people to celebrate differently, for example. Even if we won’t be with family or friends, there are opportunities for communal support and gatherings if we choose to open up to them,” says Jamie. If physical touch is important to you, and a missing component contributing to your loneliness, you can “find out if there are any play parties or platonic cuddle hangouts going on near you or host one yourself. Touch – platonic or otherwise- can be an incredibly healing and comforting (free) resource!” says Kiri. If you are willing to spend a little money, booking a professional cuddler session could be a wonderful gift you give yourself this season.

Another quietly common loneliness around this time is the grief that comes from loss. Grief alone can be very isolating, when what seems like the whole world around you is trying to party. Knowing the holidays are approaching, Vanessa advises that it’s important to “manage expectations of your emotions early on in the year, and explore the feelings of grief and loss.”—once again, holding space for those feelings, as opposed to feeling the pressure to mask them in false positivity or festiveness. In terms of action-based approaches, she makes the wonderful suggestion to “practice activities that can lessen the pain of grief and accentuate the positive memories of the grief (ie, eating a loved ones favorite meal or singing a song that is meaningful to you).” Such things may also help you feel close to those you’re missing. If you happen to be with other people this season, “Asking if a trusted friend, partner, or family member is willing to simply listen to you share about what is coming up for you” can be a good strategy, says Kiri. Calling back to the healing and connection nature of touch, she adds, “if you are in person and feel comfortable receiving platonic touch, I invite you to ask them to hold your hand, envelop you in a hug, put their hand on your back or shoulder.” As isolated as grief can make us feel, small moves, such as these, towards other people who are able to hold space for our pain, may help alleviate the loneliness. 

I would also be remiss not to give a special shoutout to the concept of “cuffing season,” and the way we have colloquially managed to dress up couple privilege in festive garb for the holiday season! Cuffing season is defined as “the time of the year when the weather starts to turn cold and single people begin the active search for romantic partners in the hope of having someone with whom to ride out the colder, snowier, bleaker months.” As if the holidays weren’t full of enough expectation, the idea that we must also be romantically partnered to make the months count is enough to give anyone who isn’t coupled up (either by choice or otherwise) a painful and—you guessed it—lonely complex! Hallmark movies, family dinner conversation, endless marketing, all seem to center the perceived importance of one meaningful, romantic, monogamous partner during this time. And, if you are already searching for a romantic or sexual connection, when the holidays roll around it can feel disproportionately like you’re really missing out! 

Bringing it back to the beginning, we will remind you that this time, instead, can be a wonderful chance to show yourself some love, and indulgently celebrate the relationship you have with you! Kiri enjoys “scheming up low or no-cost ‘easy pleasure’ activities that feel particularly nourishing- whether it is a slow and easy self-pleasure session, reading at my favorite coffee shop while enjoying my favorite pastry, going to a salt cave, staying an extra hour lounging in bed, or spending the day listening to peaceful binaural beats and playlists that signal cozy vibes.” If you are spending the holidays alone, keep in mind that for Kiri, “spending the holiday season alone gave me the chance to rewrite my story—shifting from what I thought it should be to something rooted in pleasure and self-connection.”

And when it comes to delighting in the variety of relationships you have beyond the romantically coupled, Vanessa suggests “going on platonic dates, checking in with a phone call, exploring solo activities and documenting them,” while Jamie adds that you can “express gratitude and admiration for friends, family members, coworkers, band mates etc to remind ourselves of the importance of celebrating and nurturing the multitude of relationships in our lives.” This time of year can be a good chance to pause and identify who are the meaningful connections in your life—“the people who get you, who you know you could call up in tears, who you feel safe with,” says Kiri. I myself have spent holidays caring for friends’ animals so they could enjoy a trip together, or with my closest friend’s family. One year, my training partner and I attended a local queer Christmas art fair and took our holiday picture together, a la holiday family photos. It’s harder to feel lonely when spending your energy on the people who really see you, be that with a walk, a phone call, a gift exchange—whatever nourishes those feelings of connectedness and warmth!

Family Relations

Family relations is one of the biggest and most widely acknowledged contributors to distress and tension around the holidays. For even the “healthiest” of families, it can can  mean shorter tempers, boundary-testing, and obligations, while for others, it means significant trauma and distance. This season famously tests our boundaries, particularly with family, and it can be a triggering time for many. It’s not a coincidence the number of memes that joke about regressing back to the teenaged self when going home. Setting boundaries can help avoid this. And if it can’t facilitate a more harmonious relationship overall, it may help get you through a few days. Jamie’s advice for boundary-setting is to “consider the need, the reason or intention, communicate, act, affirm that you are happy with the choices you’re making. Notice what feels different. Lean into the new possibilities that emerge.” New possibilities could be that your boundaries are more respected this season, or that you receive a response you weren’t expecting. Leaving room for the possibility of a positive response may help you dread the time a bit less, and ease tension with those around you. 

On the flip side of that, Vanessa suggests “following through calmly with appropriate consequences if boundaries are violated.” Being explicit about your boundaries, and knowing in advance what those appropriate consequences are, can empower you to stay calm and make the best decisions for you and your needs as conflicts arise. Furthermore, she recommends “coping ahead (prior to a potentially stressful situation or interaction),” so that you can “work out how you plan to cope if the ‘just in case’ situation occurs.” Just as you can allow for the possibility that family will surprise you and exceed your expectations, you can also acknowledge the reasons boundaries must be in place, and the history behind potential scenarios. For even more in-depth prep work, Kiri recommends “Stan Tatkin’s book Wired for Love,” which “offers brilliant guidance on [feeling more grounded, boundaried, and in control when you notice that tension building up], with exercises designed to build understanding and also help you feel more resilient when these situations arise.” Basically, it’s wise to be prepared!

Speaking of which, invasive, judgmental questions and overly familiar relatives are a common hurdle around the holidays. If you’re anything like me, I have in the past felt wildly unprepared for the questions shot my way. Emotionally we may be ready, but sometimes the simple and literal responses do not come to us. So, if you need some lines to keep in your back pocket for the next ~out of pocket~ question you don’t feel comfortable answering, might we suggest: 

Jamie:

“I’m sorry, but I don’t care to discuss that with you.”

“I won’t respond to that question.”

“That’s not appropriate.”

“I’d prefer to disengage from this conversation. Excuse me.”

Vanessa:

“I am working on a few personal projects” 

“I’d rather not discuss that” 

“Actually, do you mind if I ask how you’ve been?”

**Providing a vague answer or redirecting questions may also help.

To Vanessa’s last point, you can come up with your own tailor-made vague responses, bespoke to you, or a redirect to refocus on the other person. If you’re invested in not rocking the proverbial boat, staying curious and inquisitive about other people may be just the thing.

Still, we know all too well that there are things beyond our control sometimes, and you may need to catch your breath. Kiri says that “During events, taking a pause in conversation or entirely leaving the conversation are wonderful tools when you feel heated. Taking a pause is one of my go-to’s – getting some space helps me get perspective, cool down, and make a “what’s next?” decision that feels empowering.” Vanessa agrees with the “take a moment technique (step outside, or excuse yourself into the bathroom for a breather, avoid answering questions or responding to situation when you are tense),” and Jamie recommends “quiet time at night.” Being able to wind down your day away from the fray—either alone or with a trusted friend/partner/pet—can reset and re-regulate you to tackle the days to come. 

Stress

Jamie wrote in our last article about the impact of seasonal stress on partnerships and romantic relationships. Sometimes the stress of the holidays just overwhelms the benefits of them—in your partnerships, your personal life, your sense of peace, the machinations of your daily life, etc. There are a lot of outside forces at play here (see: aforementioned family obligations, aggressive commercialism, etc), so having your own internal tools at the ready to combat them can be hugely beneficial. Call us old fashioned, but therapy is a favorite, as “holidays can be exhausting even to those of us without holiday trauma, getting through the season when you associate trauma with it is brave; at times you will need extra processing to get through it,” according to Vanessa. 

To defend against stress, self-care can be a difficult to prioritize, particularly for those who have a hard time justifying it. But remember—this season, think of it as a gift to and celebration of yourself! Vanessa says “book your self-care the way you book work appointments or doctor visits. Physically block out a hour or two the way you would a meeting. If you are privileged to have a partner and also have children, work together to give each other alone time.” 

Jamie favors distressing with a creative activity: “baking, decorating, singing, homemade gifts, writing cards for others,” or sensory, physical pleasures like “enjoying good food, baths, exercise, self massage, self pleasure.” The trappings of the season may be loud and in your face, but allowing yourself smaller, quieter moments through the above can ground and soothe. And, remember, self pleasure is not only an option, but a right! Aside from the well-documented psychological de-stressing effects of masturbation, spending mindful, intentional time with yourself with no other goal than pleasure is a form of self-care. 

Thaaat said, tis the season to love yourself a little bit harder, when perhaps the season is likewise a little bit harder. Whatever you’re dealing with, when you ask yourself how am I going to get through the holidays? we hope you can find some comfort or guidance from our experts here. Of course, it wouldn’t be a seasonal article without a ~gift guide~, would it? So, from us to you, we’d like to present our own gift guide for all the self-care/self-pleasuring/self-connecting we hope you make space for this holiday season:

Kiri’s Picks:

• Luxurious Bearaby Organic Weighted Blanket.   
• Shakti Acupressure Mat
• Book a professional cuddler session
• We’re Not Really Strangers Self Love Card Game
• Tansy G-Curve Glass Dildo (Incorporating glass toys changed my self-pleasure sessions. New levels of orgasmic bliss unlocked.) 
• Self Love Hamper (Lock the doors. Silence your phone. You’re going to be busy for a little while 🙂 )
• Maude Organic Lubricant
• Alltrue Ethical and Eco Friendly Subscription Box
• Dammit Dolls 
• WTF Notebooks ‘List of Things I was Right About’ 

Vanessa’s Pick: 

• “I love attending Korean spas, some are even open 24 hrs! I love going on my own and relaxing, you pay a manageable entrance fee and spend a few hours self-caring, napping, listening to music in communal areas and some spas even have restaurants so I will dine with myself.”

Bonus Picks: 

• Scalp “facials” are an increasingly popular self-care splurge; check local deals in your area to see if they have any holiday promotions and treat yourself!
• Subscriptions to audio erotica sites like Dipsea or Quinn are a gift to yourself that keep on giving
• OMGYES.com asks a one-time fee for lifetime access to this research-based site full of videos, techniques, education, and so much more! Sexy learning, from the comfort of your home 😉
• A beautiful new journal can feel indulgent and celebratory–and also scratch that creative itch Jamie was talking about!

However it is you choose to celebrate and connect with yourself this season, we invite you to remember that pleasure is your birthright–this season, and every season!