By Jamie Azar, Certified Relationship and Intimacy Coach
We often think of consent as something that happens between people, where all parties enthusiastically agree to an activity, whether s*xual or not. But consent begins within. When we fail to check in with ourselves, when we override our body’s signals about what feels good, what doesn’t, what is a yes and what is a no, we risk self-betrayal, and can experience trauma, pain, panic, stress, or anxiety.
Learning to trust and listen to your body’s yeses and no’s is an art, a practice, and a process. And it is also one of the most empowering ways to reclaim bodily sovereignty, agency, and autonomy, in the bedroom and far beyond.
Why We Override Ourselves
Many of us have been conditioned to “push through” discomfort instead of advocating for what we really need, whether that means pausing, taking a break, asking to change an activity, or tending to our emotions during or after an intimate moment.
Because media and culture often portray sex as linear, uninterrupted, and performance-driven, people worry they’ll ruin the mood or become a burden if they speak up about fear, shame, anxiety, or pain. So instead, we override our internal no.
This can retraumatize the body. When we violate our own internal consent, we miss the opportunity to offer our nervous system the safety and care it needs for healing and self-trust. We also rob our partners of the chance to connect with our genuine enthusiasm, presence, and desire.
Start Practicing Outside the Bedroom
Attuning to the body is a skill that can be developed gradually, and often best begins in everyday life.
You can start by:
- Saying no to plans or invitations without apology
- Advocating for yourself when someone gets your order wrong
- Honoring discomfort when someone oversteps your boundaries
- Practicing saying yes to pleasure, on your own terms, without performance or goal
Ask yourself:
- What was it like to ask for what I wanted?
- Where did I feel a “yes” or a “no” in my body?
- Did anything feel edgy or uncomfortable?
- What surprised me?
These small practices build the muscle of internal awareness, so we can better recognize consent signals from within, before we engage with others.
Boundaries as Self-Respect
The practice of internal consent often goes hand in hand with setting boundaries, both with others and with yourself.
Boundaries are not walls. They are acts of care, meant to uphold your well-being, your values, and your sense of self. You can set boundaries around your time, your energy, your body, your space, your work, your relationships, your values.
Check in:
- Are my boundaries porous or overly rigid in some areas?
- Where do I feel empowered to set limits, and where do I shrink?
- What would it look like to uphold my own boundaries, even if others don’t like it?
Choosing your truth over people-pleasing is a radical act of self-respect. And yet, we’re often taught that it’s selfish. In reality, it’s an essential part of healing. Your body needs you to choose self-trust, safety, and alignment, even when it’s inconvenient or unpopular: that’s how we affirm our right to pleasure.
Consent as Collective Liberation
Internal consent doesn’t only affect our personal relationships. It also gives us language to name collective violations: against Indigenous peoples and the land, Black and brown bodies, immigrants, queer and trans folks, and disabled folx.
Internal consent becomes a tool to resist oppression, white supremacy, and systemic violation. It becomes a gateway to healing, sovereignty, and collective reclamation, in a world that has too often forgotten how to love and listen to itself.
At LAST, we’re here to help you get support, build real connections, learn something new, find your pleasure, and even join the resistance (in your own way) with one of our support groups.
Whether you’re seeking community, growth, support or just a breath of fresh air, you get to decide what works best for you.
And.
We’ll meet you there. Check out some of our support groups below to join the community that’s right for you!
Jamie Azar is former graduate of the Pleasure Psychology and Sexology Certification program, a sex, relationship, and intimacy coach, educator, writer, and mindfulness practitioner based in South Carolina. She offers 1-1 coaching with singles, couples, throuples + to co-create a safe, sex-positive, transformative, liberating, and empowering space that fosters personal and relational growth. She specializes in dismantling limiting beliefs, deconstructing, and destigmatizing harmful narrative constructs, to help clients reframe and redefine their understandings of selfhood, sex, sexuality, and relationships. To work with Jamie go here!