Attachment Theory Through a Liberatory Lens

By  Moushumi Ghose, LMFT

If you know me, you know that I often rage about the nuclear family as the pilar of the patriarchy and colonialism.

And, yet. Most of us working in therapy, coaching, and healing spaces are familiar with attachment theory—a framework so often cited in relational therapy when clients are struggling with intimacy, trust, conflict, or emotional regulation. As a therapist, I do this too.

Attachment theory was developed by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth in the mid-20th century, and offered understanding of how our upbringing shapes our intimate relationship patterns into adulthood.

But here’s the thing:

Traditional attachment theory doesn’t tell the whole story.

Not by a long shot…

Why?

You guessed it. Because, it was developed in a Western, white, middle-class context, centering the nuclear family and assuming that secure attachment is built through a stable, two-parent, heteronormative home.

As a result, attachment theory (as well as other therapeutic practices) often pathologize strategies that we developed for survival.

And what a shitty thing to experience, especially for folx, like us, raised in environments shaped by colonization, systemic racism, migration, incarceration, or intergenerational trauma.

 Liberation Starts With Reframing

When I talk about liberation, I am often speaking from a harm reduction or lens of liberatory practice.

But what does that really mean?

Here is what I mean.

Instead of labeling and pathologizing, can we ask questions like these instead:

• What if someone’s “avoidance” is actually trauma response to never having been safe to rely on others?
• What if “anxious” attachment reflects a deep survival instinct in systems where care was unpredictable, under-resourced, or conditional?
• What if the goal isn’t to “fix” someone’s attachment style—but to create safety on their terms?

Liberatory approaches to attachment say:

Your patterns make sense.

(Because lots of my clients love when the pattern is acknowledged)

And

You deserve secure relationships rooted in choice, dignity, and intersectional belonging.

Is it even possible?

I believe it is, but we have to look beneath the surface, ask the harder questions, talk about the harder issues:

like, Trauma. Classism. Racism. Ableism. Homo-Trans-SexWorker-Phobia, Religion and so on…

 Attachment Beyond the Individual

Attachment always happens in the context of larger systems at play:

• Families shaped by immigration or forced separation
• Generational trauma from slavery, genocide, displacement
• Cultures that practice communal caregiving, not just parent-child dyads

When we view attachment through a liberatory lens,

we recognize that our nervous systems are shaped by both interpersonal and systemic experiences.

And healing means not just working on “how you show up in relationships,”

but

reclaiming the kinds of relationships you desire to have.

 So What Does Liberatory Attachment Healing Look Like?

Here are a few ways I encourage shifting our work and our words:

• Validate survival strategies. Rather than pathologizing behaviors, we affirm them: “You learned to do this for a reason.”
• Normalize non-nuclear models of care. Chosen family, queer kin, mutual aid, aunties, neighbors—these are all legitimate attachment structures.
• Practice co-regulation in community. Healing happens in groups, in ritual, in shared meals, in movement—not just on a therapy couch. (ahem, this includes queer night clubs, queer bars, parties/festivals- any space where community is encouraged.)
• Center consent and power-sharing. Secure attachment is built when people feel seen, respected, and free to be their full selves.

A Liberatory Reframe of Secure Attachment:

Secure attachment isn’t about being perfect.
It’s about being in relationships where you feel safe to be human, to be messy, to be held.
It’s about creating spaces—both internal and external—where you can breathe.

This means we don’t shame your drug use, we see it as a means.

This is the work my team and I are doing at Los Angeles Sex Therapy/ LAST Collective and in my Intimacy Coach Certification Program, where our work focuses on:

Decolonizing theories that informed our practice by expanding our understanding of attachment, and creating more inclusive, consent-based spaces for relational healing.

Whether you’re a therapist, healer, or simply someone seeking more meaningful relationships, I invite you to ask:

 What does secure attachment look like—for you, specifically, and on your terms?

Mou (pronounced Mo) is licensed sex therapist, sex-positive advocate and the creator of Los Angeles Sex Therapy (LAST Collective) as well as the Pleasure Psychology Sexology Training & Coaching Certification.

​Mou’s passion is around advocacy and change by breaking down barriers for better relationships and sex. Mou specializes in couples sex therapy that is trauma informed with an emphasis on emotion focused and somatic work and which integrates other modalities as needed which are tailored to her clients needs. She has extensive experience both personal and professional with LGBTQIA, Kink, Ethical Consensual Non Monogamy (ENM/CNM), Polyamory, BIPOC. 

She is the author of several books, has appeared in the media and numerous publications. She is the creator of a documentary film series Temple and Brothels undoing harmful messages around sex, and sexuality.

www.moushumighose.com