By Jamie Azar, Certified Sxx, Relationship, and Intimacy Coach
What’s the first thing that comes to mind when you think of kink? Do you think of a closet full of leather, whips, chains, and ropes? Well, while this certainly may be the contents of a kinky closet, they don’t have to be.
Whether we walk around with myths and assumptions about kink due to pop culture and media, with oftentimes inaccurate, taboo, or oversimplified representations of kink, or simply due to a lack of education and exposure to other kinky folx and communities, a lot of people may feel intimidated by the idea of it. Perhaps a useful place to start is to not only think about kink as the activities in which we partake, but a mindset and approach we use to engage in sxxual and non-sxxual activities.
First off, what is kink? Kink refers to any sxxual interest, activity, or practice that falls outside of what’s traditionally considered conventional, mainstream, or “normative.” It’s a broad umbrella term that can include everything from light spanking, roleplay, and bondage to more elaborate power dynamics and fetishes.
At its core, kink is less about the specific activity and more about intention, creativity, and erotic energy. It’s about exploring desire in ways that may not align with societal “norms,” but feel exciting, meaningful, playful, or pleasurable to the people involved. At its foundation, kink is about informed consent, negotiation, and aftercare. Props are optional, and you don’t need a full closet of toys to get a little kinky. What you do need is awareness of your desires, your imagination, and your erotic voice.
Psychological Power Play
Who says you have to establish or relinquish power through a physical act? Acts of power and submission can take place deep in the imagination, in playful and creative ways. Do you prefer to be more dominant? Submissive? Both? Assume the voice to characterize your role and try using dirty talk to create unique power dynamics in the bedroom, or beyond, as a form of foreplay.
Psychological power play takes place in the mind, through language, and the imagination and relies on mental, emotional, and relational dynamics. It’s about arousal that comes from roles, authority, control, surrender, or the erotic tension of being “in charge” or “under command.”
Commands, praising, teasing, and humiliation can all shift dynamics. Drawing out desire, delaying gratification, or using surprise can build arousal. The brain is the biggest erogenous zone, and psychological play heightens it.
Again, this is all used on a consensual, negotiated, relational framework as a form of play, not for manipulation. Negotiation is crucial: Some words or dynamics can trigger trauma. Always check before using them. Additionally, safewords/signals apply here too. Even without physical play, psychological and emotional intensity can overwhelm someone.
Become a Character
Why not reinvent yourself for a while? Do you have an alter ego? You can try on a different personality with a new name, backstory, or even an accent. Assuming another identity can be emboldening and liberating for many people, not as a form of escape from self, but an exploration of other parts, or even repressed desires.
Role play gives you permission to act in ways you may not in daily life or engage in scenarios that might feel taboo or off-limits. Additionally, incorporating theater and play can be a great way to break routine and build some novelty if intimacy feels stale, predictable, or routine. Again, you always want to negotiate first, start small, and discuss forms of aftercare. Give yourself permission to have fun and get creative.
Honorifics
What are honorifics? In BDSM, honorifics are titles or forms of address that reflect a power exchange, signaling dominance, submission, or specific roles in a scene or relationship. They reinforce hierarchy, respect, and erotic tension.
Some examples include:
- Sir / Ma’am / Mistress / Master / Daddy / Mommy – Traditional authority/submission markers.
- Princess / Kitten / Pet / Baby / Little – Often used for nurturing, playful, or submissive roles.
These honorifics, if consented and negotiated upon, can be used outside of the bedroom to create ongoing erotic tension and power play. They can be used more playfully, while other people in a D/S relationship may adhere to and build lifestyles around these titles. The idea is to use language and emotionality to create power exchanges that build tension, create playfulness, and fuel eroticism in a relationship that feels unique, authentic, and comfortable for you and everyone else involved.
Discuss and Prioritize Aftercare
Aftercare is the intentional practice of caring for yourself or your partner after a scene. It addresses the emotional, psychological, and physical needs that arise from intense play, whether the scene involves impact, bondage, power exchange, or psychological intensity. Discuss your emotional and physical needs beforehand, as everyone needs something different, and commit to caring for others to ensure emotional and physical well-being.
You already have what you need for erotic play within you. You don’t need anything other than your unique desires, fantasies, imagination, and voice. Embrace your kinky self with curiosity, play, and open-mindedness and celebrate the spectrum of your eroticism and sxxuality.
Jamie Azar is former graduate of the Pleasure Psychology and Sexology Certification program, a sex, relationship, and intimacy coach, educator, writer, and mindfulness practitioner based in South Carolina. She offers 1-1 coaching with singles, couples, throuples + to co-create a safe, sex-positive, transformative, liberating, and empowering space that fosters personal and relational growth. She specializes in dismantling limiting beliefs, deconstructing, and destigmatizing harmful narrative constructs, to help clients reframe and redefine their understandings of selfhood, sex, sexuality, and relationships. To work with Jamie go here!