By Jamie Azar, Sex, Relationship, and Intimacy Coach
Insecurity–those age-old illusions of limitation, inadequacy, or self-doubt tend to rise when we feel vulnerable, tender, uncertain, or afraid. Just writing about it brings an ache to my stomach, because we’ve all been there.
And yet, feeding insecurity is one of the most painful ways we abandon ourselves. Limiting feelings can harden into limiting beliefs, and those beliefs shape our behaviors, our relationships, and the way we move in the world.
No one benefits when you make yourself small. Invisible. Powerless. And let’s be clear: I’m not endorsing arrogance or disregard for others. Shrinking is often a form of safety. When the world isn’t safe, hiding can feel like protection. No wonder so many of us get stuck there.
But the grief of living inauthentically takes its toll. It wears down the body, depletes the spirit, and makes our world smaller and smaller. At some point, we realize we have a choice.
What often happens next is shame. We shame ourselves for feeling insecure, for jealousy, for speaking unkindly to our bodies or doubting our worth. It is understandable, and we cannot afford to stay in that cycle. Your authenticity, your essence, your creative self is waiting on the other side of fear, uncertainty, jealousy, or grief.
Healing doesn’t mean resisting these feelings but moving through them, slowly, imperfectly, and with compassion. Movement creates flow, and flow brings clarity and freedom.
Insecurity shows up in polyamory and multi-partner love in very particular ways: watching a partner bond deeply with someone else, feeling left out of a dynamic, or comparing yourself to another lover. It can feel like being a teenager again, desperate for belonging.
The good news is that insecurity can also be a teacher. It shows us where we long for deeper self-intimacy and connection. When it arises, we can pause and ask:
- Whose voice is this?
- How old are these beliefs?
- What do I know to be true now?
- Which belief feels kinder and more life-giving to choose?
Tuning into our nervous system as we rewrite these patterns is part of the healing. Every time we choose self-compassion over self-criticism, we’re literally reconditioning our brains. That’s worth celebrating.
When jealousy or insecurity flare, tenderness is required. Practices like self-care, reaching out to community, reconnecting with hobbies, taking classes, and cultivating self-intimacy remind us that we are more than our fears.
Empowerment comes from remembering: we always have a choice. Each moment invites us to step forward or stay small, to criticize or to care, to hide or to show up. The path may be messy and uncertain, but it is yours to walk.
✨ Reflection prompt: The next time insecurity arises, pause and ask yourself — What truth feels better to choose in this moment?
Additionally, you can reach out to one of our therapists or coaches at LAST HERE or you can check out Shades of Pleasure Podcast’s latest episode, on navigating jealousy and frontloading.
Jamie Azar is former graduate of the Pleasure Psychology and Sexology Certification program, a sex, relationship, and intimacy coach, educator, writer, and mindfulness practitioner based in South Carolina. She offers 1-1 coaching with singles, couples, throuples + to co-create a safe, sex-positive, transformative, liberating, and empowering space that fosters personal and relational growth. She specializes in dismantling limiting beliefs, deconstructing, and destigmatizing harmful narrative constructs, to help clients reframe and redefine their understandings of selfhood, sex, sexuality, and relationships. To work with Jamie go here!