By Jamie Azar, Certified S*x, Relationship, and Intimacy Coach
People want to feel emotionally safe in their relationships, whether that is with their partners, friends, family members, coworkers, bandmates, etc. What safety looks like and feels like is subjective to every individual, depending on their upbringing, childhood history, attachment patterns, relationship histories, and their mental and emotional health. And we know that safety can easily be compromised amidst reactivity, taking things personally, or communication breakdowns that lead to frustration and misunderstanding. From here, once activated, we can resort to either perpetuating or experiencing defensiveness, blaming, criticizing, nitpicking, avoiding or stonewalling, disrespecting boundaries, or shutting down.
While on a macro level, people can feel general safety in their relationships, feelings of emotional safety may be compromised in the microcosms, or the micro atmosphere of the relationship: perhaps when sharing insecurities, vulnerabilities, or desires, it may happen during conflict, or during difficult conversations. If partners don’t feel safe enough to express themselves, in radically honest and transparent ways, intimacy and connection can suffer. When people don’t feel seen or take the time to see others, feelings of loneliness, isolation, and grief can grow in fertile gardens.
If we think about communication, people generally base their feelings of safety around the person’s body language, emotional energy, tone, and even word choice. Again, while requests around these aspects or styles of communication may be differ for every individual and relationship, at least considering the way you show up in these areas may help you assess ways in which you are supporting and/or compromising the emotional safety in your relationships.
Thinking about body language and energy may seem rudimentary. However, it might be helpful to bring these elements into self or relational awareness. For example, crossed arms, eye rolling, hyper aroused or even anxious, impatient, or judgmental energy can minimize authentic connection and genuine communication between you and another person. Are you truly listening to what the person is saying, or silently judging, criticizing, or planning your next response? Have you put the phone down, closed the computer, or turned off the tv to speak with the other person?
One of the best gifts you can give to another person is the quality of your attention.
Additionally, you can think about what safety feels like in your body. Does your heart rate slow, does your breathing become easier, deeper, or more regulated? Does your jaw relax instead of tightening or clenching? Are your shoulders relaxed back or down or pulled up to your ears in defense, or slouched in defeat?
When do you notice feelings of dysregulation? Is it when your integrity is questioned, when you feel your experience is invalidated, or when you feel attacked or blamed? What happens when you start to switch over into fight, flight, or freeze? How does your dysregulation or your inability to self-soothe or self-regulate compromise your partner’s physical and emotional feelings of safety or activate them? What role does taking things personally play? When does your dysregulation serve as important data for you?
We don’t have to villainize or shame dysregulation. The goal is to come to understand its patterns and how to manage it, sooth it, or use it in productive ways, for example, setting a boundary with someone, or taking a break from a conversation, with the goal of returning to it later.
At the end of the day, communication is an interplay not only of words, but of emotional energy and attention. It is both a personal and collective responsibility and artful collaboration between people. It takes learning and practice to show up and hold space for other people; to meet them, witness them, and accept them without judging them, making assumptions, projecting our own insecurities or pain, or taking on their problems as our own. Safety lies in the beautiful balance of self-embodiment and nonjudgmental witnessing and acceptance of another. Recognize that this is a practice in self-love, compassion, and also in empathy for yourself and others.
Take the time to talk with your friends, partners, family members, or coworkers. What does it look like and feel like to create emotional safety in your relationships? How are you currently doing that or not doing that?
Safety starts with you. And once we learn to create that for ourselves, in our bodies, we can begin to hold this space for others. And while no space can be 100% safe, and there might be inherent risk in the midst of life’s unpredictability or in our general human beingness, we can acknowledge that we can cultivate the tools and resources to navigate the unpredictable, and foster the resilience needed to rebuild, reconnect, transform, and evolve.
Comfort doesn’t create safety. Hiding from calculated or random risks doesn’t create safety. It keeps us small.
Creating safety is having the courage to go where there might be discomfort and fear, build the window and tools for resilience to withstand and navigate the unknown, rise stronger, and then genuinely and willingly offer the gift of our presence, strength, and foundation to others.
Jamie Azar is former graduate of the Pleasure Psychology and Sexology Certification program, a sex, relationship, and intimacy coach, educator, writer, and mindfulness practitioner based in South Carolina. She offers 1-1 coaching with singles, couples, throuples + to co-create a safe, sex-positive, transformative, liberating, and empowering space that fosters personal and relational growth. She specializes in dismantling limiting beliefs, deconstructing, and destigmatizing harmful narrative constructs, to help clients reframe and redefine their understandings of selfhood, sex, sexuality, and relationships. To work with Jamie go here!