by Jamie Azar, Sex and Relationship Coach and Writer
I hear the same things from people when it comes to desire and pleasure.
Most women I speak to want to feel the spark again. They want to reconnect with the fire of their desire. Many couples tell me they want sex to just happen. They want it to feel organic, effortless, spontaneous.
I hear this more often than not.
As a coach, I always want to honor my clients’ goals.
However, it is also my job to provide education.
I am direct. Upfront.
I want people to know where we’re headed on this journey together.
One of the first things I tell clients is that desire does not work like a light switch. Great sex does not usually just happen.
We must create the conditions for it to happen.
One of the first places I start when talking about desire is a concept known as the Dual Control Model. It may not sound sexy, but it is one of the most helpful frameworks for understanding how desire actually works.
To explain it, I’m going to use a car analogy.
Think of desire as a system with brakes and accelerators.
Most people want to focus on the accelerators. They want to know what turns them on, what increases desire, what creates more passion and pleasure.
But if the brakes are engaged, it does not matter how hard you press the gas pedal.
For many people, those brakes can include stress, burnout, relationship conflict, mental health concerns, hormonal changes, trauma, shame, body image struggles, and countless other factors.
When the brakes are on, desire gets stuck in neutral.
In order to nurture desire and pleasure, we first have to identify and remove the barriers that keep us disconnected from ourselves and our bodies.
And, one of the biggest inhibitors of desire is stress. Regardless of what causes it, many of us get trapped in stress cycles. When those cycles go unresolved, stress does not simply disappear. It gets stored.
Now more than ever, people are carrying extraordinary amounts of stress.
We are navigating work demands, financial pressure, family responsibilities, time scarcity, cultural expectations, political uncertainty, environmental concerns, experiences of discrimination, and the relentless pace of modern life.
Then there are the internal stressors.
Self-criticism. Body image concerns. Questions about identity. Regret about the past. Fears about the future.
The body does not always distinguish between a physical threat and an emotional one. Many of these experiences activate our nervous systems in similar ways. The body shifts into protection. The brakes go up. And desire often disappears.
Sometimes we become stuck in cycles of unprocessed emotions because the stress we are carrying exceeds our capacity to process it. Other times, we are in situations where processing is not possible. We may be at work. Caring for children. Managing a crisis. And sometimes we simply ignore our stress because we have been taught that acknowledging it makes us weak.
But when we repeatedly suppress, deny, or override our stress responses, those incomplete cycles do not vanish.
We carry them. For years. Sometimes decades.
They live rent free in our bodies, quietly waiting to be completed.
So, how do we complete a stress cycle?
There are many pathways.
Movement. Exercise. Breathwork. Creative expression. Sex. Pleasure. Crying. Rest. Connection.
The goal is to experience a shift in mood, a release of tension, a deeper breath. or a greater sense of relief.
For some people, this process happens quickly. For others, it takes time, especially if the body has been holding on to years of accumulated stress.
Honor that healing is a process. Move your body. Go for a walk. Dance in your kitchen. Write in your journal. Sit quietly and listen inward. Spend time outside. Cuddle with a partner or pet. Let yourself cry. Have sex. Give yourself an orgasm.
This is embodiment. Not simply feeling the body but feeling as the body.
There is pleasure in healing. There is pleasure in release. There is pleasure in relief.
Beneath grief, fear, burnout, and depression, there can also be gratitude, renewal, and possibility.
When we begin to complete these stress cycles, the brakes slowly come off.
Pleasure is not something we earn after the healing is finished. Pleasure is one of the ways we heal.
Pleasure is savoring. Pleasure is ritual. Pleasure is making choices that help you feel one percent better.
Pleasure is care.
Pleasure is love.
Pleasure is giving your body what it needs.
Each time we do this, we strengthen pathways that remind us of what safety, connection, and aliveness feel like. We create corrective experiences and reinforce our capacity for joy, presence, and desire.
So today, I invite you to do something radical.
Do nothing.
Write poetry.
Play music.
Paint.
Dance.
Masturbate.
Eat cake.
Be in your feelings.
I give you permission to be unproductive.
To put down the to do list.
To choose something that brings you pleasure.
Something that helps you feel good.
Close your eyes for a moment and ask your body:
What do you need today?
Then tend to that need with care.
With attention.
With devotion.
You deserve it.
Jamie Azar is former graduate of the Pleasure Psychology and Sexology Certification program, a sex, relationship, and intimacy coach, educator, writer, and mindfulness practitioner based in South Carolina. She offers 1-1 coaching with singles, couples, throuples + to co-create a safe, sex-positive, transformative, liberating, and empowering space that fosters personal and relational growth. She specializes in dismantling limiting beliefs, deconstructing, and destigmatizing harmful narrative constructs, to help clients reframe and redefine their understandings of selfhood, sex, sexuality, and relationships. To work with Jamie go here!