So, What Makes Someone Great in Bed?

One aspect I love about the work I do is supporting people in expanding what can sometimes be a limited definition of sex.

Within this work, I may ask clients to think back to pleasurable or satisfying sexual moments and memories or simply shout out words that characterize “great sex” for them.

Rarely, and perhaps surprisingly to some, do people cite orgasm, penetration, or even the duration or frequency of sex. More often, I hear words like pleasure, connection, safety, trust, fun, mutual, playful, adventurous.

Most people think great sex is defined by performance metrics, when in fact, there’s often a dissonance between our sociocultural definitions of sex and pleasure and how we actually experience them for ourselves, outside of scripts and expectations.

Of course, if you ask someone what makes a person great in the bedroom, the answers will vary. For some, it may be mutual pleasure, shared trust, and safety. For others, it might be very specific needs around snacks and movie picks with absolutely no sex at all!

The goal is to define what “great sex” means for you and to be able to communicate those needs, desires, and conditions to others.

And if you’re asexual, and closeness and connection require conditions outside of sex or touch, embrace that. Intimacy, closeness, and connection don’t have to include sex.

You also don’t have to be having sex to practice the qualities that can help you embody your authentic form of erotic expression based on your unique erotic ecosystem: the parts that make up your erotic identity, needs, values, and desires.

So, what makes someone great in the bedroom? A great lover? A great sexual partner, mate, or pal?

I’m championing the 4 C’s as key ingredients for developing sexual confidence and erotic prowess.

1. Consent Forward

You’ve heard the adage, and it’s true: consent is sexy.

Someone who understands consent, honors it as a continual consideration and check-in, and recognizes that getting consent for one act does not grant blanket consent for everything else? That’s sexy.

Consent demonstrates consideration for emotional and physical boundaries. It shows respect for the access someone has given you to their body, expression, presence, and vulnerability.

And being consent-forward isn’t just about asking permission. It’s about creating an environment where everyone involved can freely communicate what they want, don’t want, and feels free to change their mind.

2. Direct and Honest Communication

Let’s face it. Ambiguity can create insecurity.

Communicating directly creates clarity, which allows people to make informed decisions.

People who can talk about sex with an open mind, without judgment, and with curiosity and compassion demonstrate self-awareness. Someone who can honor the vulnerability of these conversations and create safety in moments of fear or uncertainty can create opportunities for deeper closeness and connection with another person, if desired.

Do you struggle with communication? Great. Say that.

Be honest about it, and do the work around becoming more effective, transparent, honest, or direct.

I’m not saying go out and speak your mind without a filter or consideration for others. I’m encouraging you to self-advocate, be honest and authentic, and don’t be afraid to ask for what you want because, as I’ve said many times here before, no one can read our minds.

3. Creativity

People who are creative will always find ways to learn, grow, and evolve, characteristics many attribute to key ingredients for a long-lasting and fulfilling sex life.

Whether you’re thinking up your next date or exploring a new way of connecting, creativity shows a willingness to experiment, problem-solve, and adapt.

Curiosity is also a huge part of this. What happens if we try this? What do I like? What does my partner like? What has changed? What else might feel good?

A fixed mindset can lead to stagnancy. A growth mindset rooted in curiosity, creative exploration, problem-solving, and collaboration can create the conditions for a more fulfilling sexual or non-sexual relationship.

4. Confidence

Sexual confidence is having awareness of your erotic imagination, values, needs, and desires, both met and unmet.

It’s being confident in not knowing everything.

It’s being confident in your imperfections, in how your body does and doesn’t work, and in loving it.

It’s being able to see the wonderful qualities and characteristics in others and meet them with delight and celebration.

And I think having a good sense of humor is part of this, too.

Can you laugh at yourself? Can you be playful? Can you be silly? Can you tolerate a little awkwardness without letting it derail the entire experience?

There is something incredibly sexy about someone who is secure enough not to take themselves too seriously.

Being able to laugh, reset, and keep going can be far more useful than trying to perform some perfectly polished version of sexuality.

It’s also about decentering shame, centering pleasure, and discarding the weight of anything that doesn’t serve that pleasure or tells you that you aren’t enough.

I’m not saying sexual confidence requires 100% confidence, 100% of the time. That’s a lofty goal. We all have insecurities, no matter how confident we may be or appear.

Instead, I think confidence is a commitment to practicing relentless, unwavering radical self-compassion mixed with loving accountability: moving away from shame, self-judgment, and doubt and toward greater pleasure, self-love, and the capacity to honor yourself in the presence of another with compassion and care.

I encourage you to use this list as a starting point for thinking about what makes someone a great lover, sexual or non-sexual mate, or partner for you.

Again, everyone will have different ideas.

Developing an erotic identity requires values work around sex, intimacy, closeness, and connection. It requires getting curious about what you actually want rather than automatically accepting the scripts and expectations handed to you.

In the end, great sex isn’t necessarily about what you do.

Maybe it’s more about who you are.

Share your thoughts below.

And if you’re struggling with shame, feel disconnected from pleasure, or are experiencing sexual or relational difficulties, we’d love to work with you. Click the link below to explore our directory of coaches and therapists here at LAST and be sure to check out the YouTube interviews attached to their About pages to learn more about the unique work folks bring to the collective.

Jamie Azar is former graduate of the Pleasure Psychology and Sexology Certification program, a sex, relationship, and intimacy coach, educator, writer, and mindfulness practitioner based in South Carolina. She offers 1-1 coaching with singles, couples, throuples + to co-create a safe, sex-positive, transformative, liberating, and empowering space that fosters personal and relational growth. She specializes in dismantling limiting beliefs, deconstructing, and destigmatizing harmful narrative constructs, to help clients reframe and redefine their understandings of selfhood, sex, sexuality, and relationships. To work with Jamie go here!