By Moushumi Ghose, LMFT
Have you ever worried that something is wrong with you because you don’t want sex as much as you should, like everyone else apparently does, or as much as you used to?
Or perhaps, you have heard — something like: “You just haven’t met the right person yet.”
Or maybe you’ve been on the receiving end of a partner’s hurt feelings when you weren’t in the mood, as if your body’s disinterest was something done to them?
Or maybe you’ve experienced the opposite? Feeling undesired by your partner?
These experiences are so common they barely register as something to talk about. But as sex therapipsts we see this everyday.
People in their feelings (whether it be grief, anger, shame, guilt) because they think they should be more sexual and that they should be having more sex.
And, they come to us to find a solution or to “fix it.”
But what if this isn’t something to be fixed within you?
Because quite often underneath these experiences runs an all too common theme:
We have been taught to believe that sexual desire is universal, normal, and expected — and if you don’t feel it, or feel enough of it, then something is wrong with you.
This narrative causes harm. We call it compulsory sexuality.
And when we look at it closely, it becomes clear that this deep conditioning in our culture, is dangerous, damaging and causes serious harm.
What Is Compulsory Sexuality?
And that something is wrong with us if we are not experiencing it.
This shows up everywhere, often in ways we barely notice. It’s in the movies that treat romantic and sexual love as the ultimate human experience, leaving celibate or asexual characters as punchlines or objects of pity.
It’s in the doctor who responds to “I don’t really have much interest in sex” by immediately reaching for a prescription.
It’s the partner who interprets “I’m not in the mood” as rejection, or weaponizes it as evidence that something is broken in the relationship or with you. (i.e. and thus ensues the blame game that we see all too often in our offices.)
You see the blame game is so often about being rejected or neglected based on belief systems that we are all sexual.
“There is something wrong with you/us because… we’re not having sex:
“the way I like it”
“as much as I want”
or,
“what is wrong with me? I don’t want to have sex with my partner.”
Shame. Guilt. Anger. Resentment. Blame.
Sadness. Grief.
None of this means you’re a bad partner.
It simply highlights a set of normative assumptions and rules so deeply ingrained in us, that they feel like common sense when in fact, they are everything but.
The fact that something is normative doesn’t mean it’s normal.
Assumptions Are a Form of Violence
Compulsory sexuality causes harm in several ways.
It creates pressure in intimate relationships. When a partner believes — consciously or not — that sex is a part of all intimate relationships or that they are owed sex as part of the relationship, the dance of coercion may begin. These can be micro-aggressions: sulking, repeated asking, emotional withdrawal, or simply the steady message that your disinterest is a problem your partner has to endure. Over time, many people end up having sex not because they truly want to, but because they want to avoid conflict, preserve the relationship, or escape the guilt of disappointing someone they love. That’s not free choice. That’s aquiescing under pressure. That’s concediing to “keep the peace,” to “not rock the boat,” to maintain the relationship. But, let’s be clear. It’s coercion.
It pathologizes people for being exactly who they are. Asexuality — experiencing little or no sexual attraction — is routinely treated by doctors and therapists as though something is medically wrong with them. Low sexual desire is even classified as a disorder in some offices (not here). But whose standard are they measuring that by?
If someone feels no particular draw toward sex and is perfectly at peace with that, the problem isn’t them — it’s the system that insists they should be different.
It causes deep psychological harm. When a person internalizes the message that they are broken for not wanting sex enough, the damage can be significant. Shame, anxiety, and depression, and the gradual erosion of trust in one’s own body and instincts. Some people spend years going along with sexual experiences that feel wrong or uncomfortable, or spend years in therapy trying to figuree out what is wrong with them.
Because we have been taught that the resistance is the “bad” thing instead of the pressure they’re receiving.
Why This Matters in Sex Therapy
But that framing only perpetuate the larger cultural narrative of compulsory sexuality: that more desire is better, and that the person who wants less has to get more connected to their sexuality. Maybe they’re just blocked.
We spend a lot of time
A more honest question is: does the lower-desire partner actually feel distress about their own desire — or do they feel distress because of what their partner expects from them?
That’s a completely different conversation.
Ethical sex therapy today means:
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Not seeing low desire as a problem. A person’s level of interest in sex is only a clinical concern if that person themselves finds it distressing. Adjusting someone’s desire to satisfy a partner’s expectations is not therapy — it’s compliance training. We need to parse this out.
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Recognizing coercion when it walks in the door. When someone says “I’m here because my partner gave me an ultimatum,” an affirming therapist should notice that and name it. The goal isn’t to increase sexual frequency. The goal is to understand what’s actually happening in the relationship.
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Affirming asexuality. Asexual people deserve care that doesn’t treat their orientation as a disorder. For many, the harm they’ve experienced has come not from their asexuality itself but from a world — including clinicians — that have gone along with the harmful story.
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Affirming fluidity. Asexual may be too heavy of a term for some people. Maybe you’ve been sexual before. Maybe you’re just in a period of asexuality. Giving yourself the grace to be where you are today.
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Keeping consent central. Genuine consent means enthusiastically wanting to be there — not just going along to avoid consequences. Sex therapists who work with couples should hold that standard throughout, not just at the start of a session.
A Different Way of Thinking About Desire
But there’s a difference between helping someone restructure a part of themselves they’ve lost, and pressuring someone to want something they simply don’t. The first is healing. The second is just compulsory sexuality with a therapeutic label on it.
The starting point for both clients and clinicians is the same: each person is the authority on their own desire. Not their partner. Not their doctor. Not a cultural story that decided long ago that everyone should want the same things.
When we recognize the societal assumption that desire is compulsory, we open space for people to know themselves honestly, to set genuine limits, and to build intimacy that is freely chosen rather than endured.
Mou specializes in couples sex therapy that is trauma informed with an emphasis on emotion focused and somatic work and which integrates other modalities as needed which are tailored to her clients needs. She has extensive experience both personal and professional with LGBTQIA, Kink, Ethical Consensual Non Monogamy (ENM/CNM), Polyamory, BIPOC.
She is the author of several books, has appeared in the media and numerous publications. She is the creator of a documentary film series Temple and Brothels undoing harmful messages around sex, and sexuality.
Mou is currently accepting clients in her sexuality program: The Desire Formula, which is a group/team program spearheaded by Mou and includes wrap around services from her team.
You can learn more by watching Mou’s free training: Watch Mou’s Free Training on Sexuality in Relationships