By Jamie Azar, Sex, Relationship, and Intimacy Coach
Through romcoms, books, and dating norms, society has established a hierarchy of relationships where romantic partnership is positioned as both the primary and superior form of connection. Familial, friendly, and communal bonds are expected and accepted to become secondary, tertiary, or general “supporting characters” to the primary relationship, which is presumed to come first.
Many of us have also been taught to reserve certain forms of care and affection exclusively for romantic relationships. Going on dates, buying gifts, giving flowers, expressing tenderness are often framed as things that only occur within romantic or sexual relationships.
Meanwhile, friendship is frequently treated as a “stepping stone,” a transitional phase we move through before escalating into romance. Often, that transition is never even explicitly discussed or negotiated because compulsory monogamy and romantic escalation are so heavily assumed. We even diminish friendship in our everyday language when we say things like, “we’re just friends,” or when we disappear from our friendships the moment a romantic relationship enters the picture.
Can romance be found in friendships? Can we buy our friends flowers, take them out on dates, and give them hugs and kisses? Absolutely. But this piece isn’t about proving that friendship can contain romance in order to validate it.
The point is that friendship should not need romance as a qualifier to be taken seriously. Its value should not be determined by its proximity to sex, romance, or couplehood. This isn’t about expanding our ideas of what’s romantic, though that is absolutely important work, in my opinion. It’s about decentering romance altogether as the pinnacle of relational legitimacy, and instead celebrating platonic love as meaningful, sustaining, and worthy on its own terms.
Capitalism and white supremacy thrive on the divide and conquer mentality. Separatism and individualism are a few of the many tenets that drive these oppressive power structures. Community care, friendship, and interdependence directly challenge those systems. In many ways, friendship itself can become a radical act against loneliness, disposability, and disconnection.
What might it look like to dismantle hierarchy within our relationship structures? What might it look like to intentionally nurture old and new friendships, cultivate autonomy outside of romantic partnership, and divest from the belief that sex and romance are the only markers of relational legitimacy?
When we expand our understanding of connection and dismantle the sociocultural norms that define which relationships are seen as valuable, we create room for something more expansive, liberatory, and honest.
Not everyone is seeking romance or sex. Not everyone wants marriage, cohabitation, monogamy, children, or relationship escalation. And even for those who do, friendships still matter deeply. They are not placeholders, backups, or an afterthought.
One of the most radical things we can do in a society built on division and disconnection is to remember the power of community, and to honor the diverse, beautiful ways we can care, love, and be loved beyond romance, sex, and couplehood.
Jamie Azar is former graduate of the Pleasure Psychology and Sexology Certification program, a sex, relationship, and intimacy coach, educator, writer, and mindfulness practitioner based in South Carolina. She offers 1-1 coaching with singles, couples, throuples + to co-create a safe, sex-positive, transformative, liberating, and empowering space that fosters personal and relational growth. She specializes in dismantling limiting beliefs, deconstructing, and destigmatizing harmful narrative constructs, to help clients reframe and redefine their understandings of selfhood, sex, sexuality, and relationships. To work with Jamie go here!